anomaly11

wow, this has got me really depressed. im trying not to think this way, but having my sets (and me) rejected after waiting so long and being so excited is really hurting my self-esteem and feeding my insecurities.

here are the facts as i know them:
3 other girls from sf have had their limbo status revoked. i do not know if they were all shot by mitten as i was.

the only reasoning ive gotten are as follow:

"The pictures were just not right at this time. "
-from an email from missy

"We are just getting a lot more selective around here as the numbers of applicants exponentially increases. We give the girls who don't make it a free year of sg, and they still got paid for their sets. We're not upset with them or mad at them, theyre still on the site for free for a year and you can still be friends and talk to them, we just don't think theyre right for the site at this time. "

-from a board post by sean

so my pictures arent right, or more specifically, im not right. well, what i dont understand is why they didnt reject me from the outset, or in the month and a half before they set up my profile, or before they paid me and sent me my gear. they lose money, members get disappointed (even i have a few members that said they wanted to see my sets) and i am publically humiliated and hurt, without ever getting to see my full sets.

i also know that this happened the day after i first posted about some hard core porn i did for a magazine. no one from sghq has mentioned that as a reason for revoking me, but i find the timing terribly coincidental. if anyone had approached me about that being an issue, i would have understood and tried to work something out. but that hasnt happened. and if they just came out and said "we dont want sg's doing hardcore" that would be one thing, i would think it was close-minded and silly, but accept it as a policy but the site says i should be able to put what i want in my journal, as long as nothing promotes direct competitors :" Like a naughty livejournal page, the girls can talk about whatever they'd like, and can publish to their page from anywhere in the world that they have web access."

and that they embrace a woman-powered ( my porn shoot featured me doing bondage on a boy) and rebellious expression of sexuality "SuicideGirls is empowered erotica, a place where girls outside of mainstream culture can make the case that rebellion, a unique personal style and nonconformity are far sexier than anything you will see in mainstream pornography. "

and i dont feel ive fallen short or overstepped those goals. however, there has been no official statement about the porn thing at all, so this is all just conjecture anyway.


also, mitten is the official sf photographer, and i know she did a good job on the photos based on the samples ive seen. in fact the quality of the pics (lighting, composition, interesting themes) is better than a few sets that have gone up here within the last week. which leads me to believe that its just me not being attractive enough which the insecure part of me says "i knew it!" and the rational part says " then why did they except you in the first place and why do you get paid modeling gigs beyond this site"? so i really dont know what to think.

now i dont know what to do, the biggest part of me just wants to leave the site (and where did my first month of journal entries go ?!?!?) and hang my tail between my legs, part of me wants to post some of the samples and see what you all think and ask for support, part of me suspects some kind of backstage political motivations, and then there are grozens of other self-depricating reasons i can think of. so what do you guys think i should do?