Okay, so I fucked up...
I have excuses, and they're not great ones, but at least they are honest.
When I was with Em I was so happy and so excited that I was always rushing forward to see what happened next. I was so impatient. Then, one day, I woke up and realised I was up to my neck in hardcore relationship stuff after only two months and it scared the shit out of me. Part of me, the instinctual man, wanted to run off, shag around, spread the love, be a slave to the selfish gene, but the other half felt like I was deeply in love with an incredible woman, and I couldn't reconcile these two halves. I mean, how can you love some on so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, then at the same time want to be with other people as well.
I an attempt to make all of this make sense to me I made some stupid decisions and took some stupid actions. I thought that no matter how real it felt I couldn't really love Emma if I wanted other women, and I really tried to not want them, but I couldn't do it. So, I split with her and suffered weeks of pain and misery as I broke her heart, and broke my own as well. When I was with her I couldn't understand why I wanted other women. When I wasn't with her I wondered how I could ever want anyone else more than her. She got messed around, and whatever love she may or may not have had for me, now she no longer feels the same.
I should have maybe written this at the time when all these emotions were strongest, or maybe now was the right time. It doesn't hurt as much now, and don't get me wrong here. It still really hurts. I feel like I am finally moving on though. After weeks of trying to stay friends we realised, I realised we couldn't, because every time I saw her or thought of her all I could think of was how much I loved her, missed her and how much I fucked up.
The silver lining to all of this is I have learned something. Labels are shit, and they cause trouble. You shouldn't worry about what "it" is when you are with someone, or whether you are a couple or just seeing each other. Obviously you have to lay ground rules and whether or not you are exclusive, but I was so desperate for it to be something that I forgot to just enjoy what it was right there and then. If I had had more patience, and seen how great what I already had was, then maybe me and Emma would have made it.
I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe I hope that someone will see it and it will help them work this stuff out as well. Maybe I hope that I won't forget my mistakes if I write them down (more likely than the former I have to admit). Maybe, just maybe, I am over what happened with Emma and this is my way of finally putting it to bed. I don't know, I just know it's time to move on.
I have excuses, and they're not great ones, but at least they are honest.
When I was with Em I was so happy and so excited that I was always rushing forward to see what happened next. I was so impatient. Then, one day, I woke up and realised I was up to my neck in hardcore relationship stuff after only two months and it scared the shit out of me. Part of me, the instinctual man, wanted to run off, shag around, spread the love, be a slave to the selfish gene, but the other half felt like I was deeply in love with an incredible woman, and I couldn't reconcile these two halves. I mean, how can you love some on so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, then at the same time want to be with other people as well.
I an attempt to make all of this make sense to me I made some stupid decisions and took some stupid actions. I thought that no matter how real it felt I couldn't really love Emma if I wanted other women, and I really tried to not want them, but I couldn't do it. So, I split with her and suffered weeks of pain and misery as I broke her heart, and broke my own as well. When I was with her I couldn't understand why I wanted other women. When I wasn't with her I wondered how I could ever want anyone else more than her. She got messed around, and whatever love she may or may not have had for me, now she no longer feels the same.
I should have maybe written this at the time when all these emotions were strongest, or maybe now was the right time. It doesn't hurt as much now, and don't get me wrong here. It still really hurts. I feel like I am finally moving on though. After weeks of trying to stay friends we realised, I realised we couldn't, because every time I saw her or thought of her all I could think of was how much I loved her, missed her and how much I fucked up.
The silver lining to all of this is I have learned something. Labels are shit, and they cause trouble. You shouldn't worry about what "it" is when you are with someone, or whether you are a couple or just seeing each other. Obviously you have to lay ground rules and whether or not you are exclusive, but I was so desperate for it to be something that I forgot to just enjoy what it was right there and then. If I had had more patience, and seen how great what I already had was, then maybe me and Emma would have made it.
I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe I hope that someone will see it and it will help them work this stuff out as well. Maybe I hope that I won't forget my mistakes if I write them down (more likely than the former I have to admit). Maybe, just maybe, I am over what happened with Emma and this is my way of finally putting it to bed. I don't know, I just know it's time to move on.