anguz

I hate myself, like, really hate myself...

The odd part is, I feel strangely positive about that somehow. It's like for years, I have just been trying to ignore it, and I have gotten good at it too. In fact I got so good at lying to myself about how I am feeling that I really screwed up my own head, and now half the time I don't know if I am really feeling what I am feeling or convincing myself that I am feeling it because it's how I want to feel?

Are ya confused yet?

I don't know how it happened, but somehow I got it into my head that if I could go out and just pull as many different women as possible (for you Americans, that's English for getting to, well, any of the bases really) then clearly I wasn't as shit a human being as I thought, and that would make me more confident. Apparently it doesn't work like that.

So now I have just finished my degree, am about to find out I am a fucking awesome writer, will have loads of free time on my hands and can start living my life the way I want to. It has been suggested that I take an abstinence on women, but I'm not going to go that far. I am just going to try and stop obsessing about it and thinking it will make my life better. If I want to get more confident there are better ways to do it.

As of, well, now really, I am going to start going to the gym three maybe four times a week like I planned and get my self all sexy. I think it's also time to get those tattoos I was thinking about, and I want a few piercings. It's probably not the best way to be more confident, but if I can move toward the ideal of how I want to look it's gonna help right?

Also, I am going to try and start acting again. I love it loads and I have been making half a dozen excuses to not do it for reasons I have been unable to determine. I think it's nerves as it is something that's really important to me, but fuck nerves. They don't get me anywhere.

So in short, life has been crappy lately, but mostly because I wouldn't admit why. Now I know what the problem is it is time to fix it, and life might just start to get interesting...