anguz

I feel sad today. Slowly but surely I am losing my friends. I have been trying to deny and trying to make it work but the divide between me and them is getting bigger and harder to ignore all the time. I don't know if it is down to age, or lack of common ground or just that we are all changing but it is happening and it makes me sad cuz I still love them.

Last night we were all out and one of my mates kept ripping into me. She was only doing it in fun but I just did not find it funny. I mean, am I strange for not laughing when I get called a "fucking twat" because I did a stupid voice? I spoke to her about that and a couple of other things she said today when I saw her online, and somehow she made me feel really stupid for something that I initially thought was perfectly reasonable. I mean, okay, I know people rip the shit outta each other but do they honestly get that insulting? I would never call my friends anything more severe than a bloody idiot unless I was genuinely mad at them for something. I just don't see the fun.

Maybe at this point I should say they are all between 18 and 21, and I am 27. Does this make anyone reading this go "Oooooh, well now it makes sense." ? I want to keep them as my mates but over the last couple of years I have matured a lot. I feel confident enough to say I am a grownup, which sounds stupid in a way but people going through this time of their lives will probably know what I mean. Legally you're an adult at 18 and you relish in the fact that you are, but for me I haven't really felt like an adult till recently. I think it was partly an overlong reliance on my folks while I was living at home where as now I have to be all mature, sorting out my money and making the choices I don't really want to make because I have to. I like being here now.

I think on some level my mates aren't there yet. I can't really explain it without sounding like a really patronising arsehole but they just seem more like kids than they do adults when I am with them these days and I guess I am just craving having friends who are on the same level as me. I mean don't get me wrong, I like to have a laugh like the rest of them. I just don't find shouting "Mum!" at the top of my lungs because a down syndrome kid was doing it in the supermarket like four hours before hand (this also happened yesterday). If anything I find it annoying and offensive but I feel bad for having a go at them because of the age gap. maybe when I was that age it would have been funny.

More than anything I am a little scared. I am not the best at socialising and finding new mates has always been something that happened by accident rather than design. All the mates I have now i have because Danny was on my course and lived in the flat next to mine in the first year of uni. Almost everyone I know I met through him, so if he had been on a different course or in a different halls of residence I wouldn't have any of the mates I do now save for one or two exceptons. I find it hard to trust people as so many have screwed me over in the past, so making new friends is so incredibly hard.

Well there ya go. Opinions greatly welcome. Also, as footnote, seems I think with an American accent even though I am British. Is that as weird as it seems?