angrymeat

ARghh sometimes life seems a like a little too much . Besides being broke as hell work has been wretched. I left 20 minutes early last night 1 minute after i left th e thin client server rebooted itsself. When this happens it takes 10 minutes and then it is back up. In that 10 minutes i had 7 phone calls about the issue . People suck i need to make up my postal list now. so I had nighmares all stinking night again. All of them about Dustin of course . For those who donot know Dustin was my nephew. Me and him were very close and i felt like a father to him half the time. He had a very crappy life his mother worked 16 hours days was never home his father was a drunk who never had time for him. To top it all off his mother wen t through husbands like most people go through toilet paper. And none of them were very keen on my nephew. When i was 18 I moved in with my sister in springfield and spent tons of time with Dustin. After 4 month s I moved back home because I couldnt handle raising a 15 year old for the most part. After that dustin came up a few times stayed with me but i couldnt seem to make alot of time for him. Any ways his mood continued to go downhill and his mother continued to spend less and less time at home until eventually he had his own apartment . paid for by his mother of course and she would stop in once a week or so and get som clothes stuff liek that. August 2003 Dustin was found dead in a hotel room after overdosing on oxicontnin and vodka. The day of the funeral his ex girlfriend recieved his journal in the mail containing suicide notes to everyone close to him . Needless to say i was devistated. I hold so much guilt over his death thinking had I made more time for him in my life this wouldnt have happened. I know peopel will say you cant hold regret and not your fault so on . In my heart I know had I made time for him things would be different. So my penence for this is self torture and wicked nightmares. he was 18 when he died however every time I dream about him i dream about him when he was 11 and innocent . so I had a dream last night that he was standing in a room crying and screaming at me why did I let him die why did i let this happen to him then he slowly decomposed while standing there. this happened several times through out my dreams last night. so this morning has been a sad depressing morning . when ever I have these night mares I spent the day pretty sad and now that avery is getting older I also spend the day thinking about mortality and how I would handle it if anything ever happened to him. Having children is so friggin scary.