Prison
Ok so I am in KC I have a job making great money now and I am no happier . Ahh now it sets in the reality of it all oh the sweet blessed reality. I love my wife I do I cant change that just yet . I miss my wife I miss her good things and her bad things . I have lost my wife not lost in my pocket but lost in plain site. She sits 2 hours away shes on my messengers shes on my emails . She is right there yet she is so far away because she no longer loves me she no longer misses me . This last weekend was tough I finally came to grips with the fact that I still loved her however it does no good . She will never leave Joplin her mother her sister or her friend . I will not go back to joplin and everything there . I was never happy in joplin and I could never get her to understand why . I wont go into the details here but its a wretched place. I was never a perfect man hell i was rarely a good man but I always thought I was an ok husband . I know I for a while played video games too much or I would start projects and not finish them but I never did anything I thought was just super bad most of it seems like typical guy stuff in retrospect. But I guess I did something horrible something bad enough to make someone who has loved you for 10 years stop loving you and begin to love another . To love another they have never met in rl and a person they say they love because they are so fucked up and they feel the need to take care of them or something . The plot thickens that person is fucked up why you ask hes fucked up because his woman left him for a guy she met on the internet . This is my life and in the middle of it all are my three children two wonderful boys and the third still growing inside her . My children are my life and I hate myself more than anyone will know for not doing more to fix my relationship or to keep it together . since this weekend I find myself making every excuse known to man to talk to my ex and i know she doesnt want to talk to me . I am in prison because every time I see her status on Yahoo is set to available I am left in this prison knowing that she is talking to Eric. I know that she is talking to him about life love and problems so on probably talking about how much I am bugging her or how I want her back blah blah blah . This is my own personal hell and I am left here to deal with it for the things I did or didn't do in the past . I key logged her computer to find out about Eric and their little whatever you call it . For this she is angry that I violated her privacy so on . I am paying for that violation more than I ever thought I would . I sit here for countless hours day and night and am haunted by the I love yous and all the bad things said about me I sit here and relive all the things that she said to him and others about me the person who up till reading those words I thought she loved. I wish I was a shallower person or a frat boy or somethign so I could just go out hit the town and find random meaningless hookup or whatever you call them to drown the pain but I cant . I love too much and I have a hard time not loving so here I will sit in my cell until the warden grants me a pardon or I get shanked . I have been sitting here torturing myself all day with listening to this love song or that love song each song is a little painful memory of a part of our relationship . I cant resist the temptation to fight for her and my family but at the same time I know its a fruitless battle . I will not win I simply amd not the person who makes her happy and overall thats the important part to me . I just wish I could have figured out how to be that person in 10 years . I can wish alot of things but in the end I will have to face reality and I will have to eventually move past her . This is a task that at this point seems like the most impossible thing in the world to do . How do you recover from such a thing honestly . How will I trust again how will I ever feel real again . I feel like I am nothing I hate every aspect of myself at the moment . I can barely get out of bed so I jsut lay here all day and night until I go to work rinse and repeat buying time until I go back to Joplin see the boys then do it all over again. I just wish I could melt away into the bed until it stops hurting . I keep finding myself trying to be angry with her for what she did but I cant . I know I wasn't the husband she wanted and I obviously make her happy so how do you fault someone for not loving you . It is like hating a person because their religion differs from you or they hate chocolate when you like it . I just wish there was a magic button to fix it all but there is not . There is no fixing broken and I am apparently broken .
Ok so I am in KC I have a job making great money now and I am no happier . Ahh now it sets in the reality of it all oh the sweet blessed reality. I love my wife I do I cant change that just yet . I miss my wife I miss her good things and her bad things . I have lost my wife not lost in my pocket but lost in plain site. She sits 2 hours away shes on my messengers shes on my emails . She is right there yet she is so far away because she no longer loves me she no longer misses me . This last weekend was tough I finally came to grips with the fact that I still loved her however it does no good . She will never leave Joplin her mother her sister or her friend . I will not go back to joplin and everything there . I was never happy in joplin and I could never get her to understand why . I wont go into the details here but its a wretched place. I was never a perfect man hell i was rarely a good man but I always thought I was an ok husband . I know I for a while played video games too much or I would start projects and not finish them but I never did anything I thought was just super bad most of it seems like typical guy stuff in retrospect. But I guess I did something horrible something bad enough to make someone who has loved you for 10 years stop loving you and begin to love another . To love another they have never met in rl and a person they say they love because they are so fucked up and they feel the need to take care of them or something . The plot thickens that person is fucked up why you ask hes fucked up because his woman left him for a guy she met on the internet . This is my life and in the middle of it all are my three children two wonderful boys and the third still growing inside her . My children are my life and I hate myself more than anyone will know for not doing more to fix my relationship or to keep it together . since this weekend I find myself making every excuse known to man to talk to my ex and i know she doesnt want to talk to me . I am in prison because every time I see her status on Yahoo is set to available I am left in this prison knowing that she is talking to Eric. I know that she is talking to him about life love and problems so on probably talking about how much I am bugging her or how I want her back blah blah blah . This is my own personal hell and I am left here to deal with it for the things I did or didn't do in the past . I key logged her computer to find out about Eric and their little whatever you call it . For this she is angry that I violated her privacy so on . I am paying for that violation more than I ever thought I would . I sit here for countless hours day and night and am haunted by the I love yous and all the bad things said about me I sit here and relive all the things that she said to him and others about me the person who up till reading those words I thought she loved. I wish I was a shallower person or a frat boy or somethign so I could just go out hit the town and find random meaningless hookup or whatever you call them to drown the pain but I cant . I love too much and I have a hard time not loving so here I will sit in my cell until the warden grants me a pardon or I get shanked . I have been sitting here torturing myself all day with listening to this love song or that love song each song is a little painful memory of a part of our relationship . I cant resist the temptation to fight for her and my family but at the same time I know its a fruitless battle . I will not win I simply amd not the person who makes her happy and overall thats the important part to me . I just wish I could have figured out how to be that person in 10 years . I can wish alot of things but in the end I will have to face reality and I will have to eventually move past her . This is a task that at this point seems like the most impossible thing in the world to do . How do you recover from such a thing honestly . How will I trust again how will I ever feel real again . I feel like I am nothing I hate every aspect of myself at the moment . I can barely get out of bed so I jsut lay here all day and night until I go to work rinse and repeat buying time until I go back to Joplin see the boys then do it all over again. I just wish I could melt away into the bed until it stops hurting . I keep finding myself trying to be angry with her for what she did but I cant . I know I wasn't the husband she wanted and I obviously make her happy so how do you fault someone for not loving you . It is like hating a person because their religion differs from you or they hate chocolate when you like it . I just wish there was a magic button to fix it all but there is not . There is no fixing broken and I am apparently broken .