angryadam

Not feeling great.

To continue the saga: She has been out of town since Saturday morning up until late last night. The last time I saw her was Friday night, and I had been texting her little reminders of how I feel about her. You know.. just to make sure I stay on her mind. They are all in the form of Haiku-- very romantic, in my objective opinion.

Anyway, through all this effort I never heard a word from her. It's kind of the story of this whole affair, and I can't bring myself to blame her. First, she was dealing with a failing (very) long-term relationship that ultimately ended with a break up, of which she has been in the throws for about 2 weeks now. I should mention she was living with him, which complicates things to an immense degree. That is precisely why I can completely sympathize, as I am in virtually the same situation, only I am still days away from the end of my ordeal. She came home to an empty house, you see. More on that later...

Secondly, the purpose of her little trip was to settle family business for her late grandfather, to whom she seems to have been very close. There's no arguing about that. She deserves time to grieve and handle it in whatever way she decides. All I can do is be here for her, and I've made that clear to her.

Today was the first time I've seen her since her return, and I cannot begin to express how excited I was. Mind you, I was also equally terrified to see her. As I mentioned in my last post, she felt the need to push me away. It was clear that she was feeling a bit self destructive/self loathing over her break up. I argued, albeit the next day, that I would not give up so easily. She is absolutely worth the effort and struggle. If I don't make an honest effort at all costs, I will honestly feel like I will have turned my back on what seems to be the best match for me that I have ever met in my life. Her arguement is that she is not stable enough to date anyone due to the emotional weight of her recent break up. Again, that's all fine and I will never blame her for that. She appreciated my stance, and admitted that her efforts were in support of what she thought was "best," and not what she actually wanted. To get back to my point, however, that is exactly why I was terrified to see her again after she has had this time (without speaking to me) to prepare to push me away again, this time prepared to withstand my opposition. I'll probably elaborate on that in a future post as this is probably not over yet...

To move the story along, she did not seem as ecstatic to see me today. She was not rude, and it may be just the sense I got from our inherent coyness which we continue due to our concern for workplace fraternization, but she was defintely more casual with our exchange than I was hoping. It bummed me out. I have since sent her an innocent message stating that I am glad she is back, yileding still no response. It makes me feel pathetic and takes quite a toll on my confidence.

I should have an opportunity to have a real conversation with her tomorrow. Hopefully things will be cleared up. There is tons more to say, but I am about to fall asleep on my keyboard. The saga shall continue another day...