All right, here's my current status in a nutshell:
Clinical depression has obviously reared its ugly head, despite my attempt to drive it away with disbelief. The anxiety attacks over the past few months were a large red flag, but I chose to blame individual moments of stress in my life rather than accept the greater problem. The speed in which I snapped out of it, my increased drinking, and inexplicable weight gain are all driving the point home at the moment. While there are not many reputable outlets of mental health care around here, I decided to look into one particular doctor my sister suggested with hopes that we can arrange something on a sliding scale until I land employment (which I still have not managed due to living in the one area of this country that has yet to bounce back from the Great Depression of the 1930's).
Despite being overly zealous about my diet over the last few months, I decided not to sweat the gaining of a few measly pounds. I still look pretty damn good at the moment, and I think indulging in some unhealthy foods is a better alternative than the continuing to consume more alcohol. I've already proven to myself that I can lose weight fairly quickly and safely, but the idea of becoming the person I feared during my childhood is not something I come back from. I'm not certain that the affinity for alcoholism is genetic, but I can't help but to remember my Dad everytime I drink more than two nights in a row. That's also the reason I can't stand people referring to it or any addiction as a "disease." By that line of logic, people would choose to get polio or Alzheimer's.
So, I'm officially off the diet until my mind decides to play nice and allow me to keep my thoughts straight. I'll still be careful not to overindulge and to keep healthy foods in the mix, but I'm not going to expect much of my metabolism until things straighten out. Besides, my trip to Baltimore probably isn't going to happen in June as we originally planned, so there's no pressure to get ready for the SB set that Morgan is going help me with. In fact, I haven't really gotten the deep tan that Mle suggested that I get before shooting, since the weather here has been completely schizo; everytime I try to spend anytime in the sun, a storm front moves in and doesn't leave until I don't have any time to spend outside soaking up sun. Someone suggested that I try tanning lotion, but everyone I've seen with that product ended up looking like an Oompa-Loompa with an overactive thyroid.
I finally started writing again tonight. I tallied up my word count and I am woefully behind on my projected deadline. This is definitely one time that I'm grateful that my editor forgets to check up on me! But at least I finally feel like I'm getting back into the rhythm of things, so I'm confident that I'll be able to get caught back up in no time.
For the time being I need to keep my head straight and my energy focused. I really appreciate the kind words from everyone, particularly Jennifer,Syntax, and ArcherNU. Thank you all!
Huh. I just had an odd deja vu moment when I typed out Syntax. I have this theory that deja vu occurs when we encounter something that is similiar to a dream we've had in the past. Since memories of dreams are ephmereal and faded, we can't place exactly why the encounter in waking life seems familiar, so I keep a dream journal in order to keep my deja vu and actual conscious memory from blurring together. Anyway, I just found it, and I have listed: "San Fransisco, a woman, Syntax as a reoccuring subject, dog park, street poet, blue sky, Emperor Norton, coffee shop, clam chowder." 06/05/03 Odd coincidences, but I'm firmly convinced psychic phenomena are nothing more than self-delusional and con artistery, so I imagine there's more underlying symbolism that logically ties it together; I'll look into it when I get a chance.
I think I might scrounge for breakfast and hope for a second wind to get another chunk of Chapter 3 done this morning. Hopefully the sun will be back out again.
Clinical depression has obviously reared its ugly head, despite my attempt to drive it away with disbelief. The anxiety attacks over the past few months were a large red flag, but I chose to blame individual moments of stress in my life rather than accept the greater problem. The speed in which I snapped out of it, my increased drinking, and inexplicable weight gain are all driving the point home at the moment. While there are not many reputable outlets of mental health care around here, I decided to look into one particular doctor my sister suggested with hopes that we can arrange something on a sliding scale until I land employment (which I still have not managed due to living in the one area of this country that has yet to bounce back from the Great Depression of the 1930's).
Despite being overly zealous about my diet over the last few months, I decided not to sweat the gaining of a few measly pounds. I still look pretty damn good at the moment, and I think indulging in some unhealthy foods is a better alternative than the continuing to consume more alcohol. I've already proven to myself that I can lose weight fairly quickly and safely, but the idea of becoming the person I feared during my childhood is not something I come back from. I'm not certain that the affinity for alcoholism is genetic, but I can't help but to remember my Dad everytime I drink more than two nights in a row. That's also the reason I can't stand people referring to it or any addiction as a "disease." By that line of logic, people would choose to get polio or Alzheimer's.
So, I'm officially off the diet until my mind decides to play nice and allow me to keep my thoughts straight. I'll still be careful not to overindulge and to keep healthy foods in the mix, but I'm not going to expect much of my metabolism until things straighten out. Besides, my trip to Baltimore probably isn't going to happen in June as we originally planned, so there's no pressure to get ready for the SB set that Morgan is going help me with. In fact, I haven't really gotten the deep tan that Mle suggested that I get before shooting, since the weather here has been completely schizo; everytime I try to spend anytime in the sun, a storm front moves in and doesn't leave until I don't have any time to spend outside soaking up sun. Someone suggested that I try tanning lotion, but everyone I've seen with that product ended up looking like an Oompa-Loompa with an overactive thyroid.
I finally started writing again tonight. I tallied up my word count and I am woefully behind on my projected deadline. This is definitely one time that I'm grateful that my editor forgets to check up on me! But at least I finally feel like I'm getting back into the rhythm of things, so I'm confident that I'll be able to get caught back up in no time.
For the time being I need to keep my head straight and my energy focused. I really appreciate the kind words from everyone, particularly Jennifer,Syntax, and ArcherNU. Thank you all!
Huh. I just had an odd deja vu moment when I typed out Syntax. I have this theory that deja vu occurs when we encounter something that is similiar to a dream we've had in the past. Since memories of dreams are ephmereal and faded, we can't place exactly why the encounter in waking life seems familiar, so I keep a dream journal in order to keep my deja vu and actual conscious memory from blurring together. Anyway, I just found it, and I have listed: "San Fransisco, a woman, Syntax as a reoccuring subject, dog park, street poet, blue sky, Emperor Norton, coffee shop, clam chowder." 06/05/03 Odd coincidences, but I'm firmly convinced psychic phenomena are nothing more than self-delusional and con artistery, so I imagine there's more underlying symbolism that logically ties it together; I'll look into it when I get a chance.
I think I might scrounge for breakfast and hope for a second wind to get another chunk of Chapter 3 done this morning. Hopefully the sun will be back out again.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I hope you find help for your depression.
bake yummt food
take walks
do school work
read
write letters