In an effort to think more positively, I have decided to take the approach of taking life's lemons and making lemonade. I think I have found the first application for this among my problems.
One of my resolutions for this year was to start dating again...or at least try to get off my mopey ass and get laid. I was honestly so confused that I figured the best I could do is get out there and see what the world had to offer. Unfortunately, there was an odd pattern at work; anytime I could get a woman interested in a date, it seems a hot guy would appear from the ether and completely charm the girl away into the sunset. Sometimes it was a week before our plans, sometimes it was a couple days after. This has occurred five times so far this year. Yes...five times. Two of these random guys even had the same first name.
So I began to think to myself: this sucks balls. However, attempting the same thing over and over and getting the exact same results each time suggests a process that can repeat predictable results. If you find a way a situation to make that predictable result profitable, then you have a formual for financial success.
I'm starting a dating service.
My methods are unothrodox and my prices will be steep, so it'll be best to set up shop in some area of California were people pay exhorbent fees for things like Feng Shui and Reikki healing. I'll probably need to put 'psychic' or 'spiritual' in the name of my business for a greater sense of psuedo-credibility.
For 1..um no 2..ah hell 3,000 dollars, I will make a date with the client set two weeks from the time the appointment was made. Within one week before or after, a hot guy will instantly materialize from nothingness and completely hit it off with the client. It's just that simple. If for any reason it doesn't work, then not only will I refund the person's money, but I'll also be fucking amazed.
The client's gender and sexual orientation will not be a factor, since it's not going to go anywhere for me anyhow, and I'm pretty certain I can make tupla women also.
I'm so excited about my new business venture that I decided to go ahead and write up the FAQ! (Because no one really asks those questions to begin with, do they?)
Q: If you have a superpower, then why don't you wear a cape and spandex tights?
A: Just because I charge people money to reject me doesn't me that I don't have my pride, dammit!
Q: What happens if the date goes well?
A: Well, as with any successful date, I imagine we'll keep seeing each. The sex will be great, we'll never argue, and we'll be able to communicate openly. Your hot guy will materialize in 4-12 months, in which case you get the added bonus of being able to do him while experiencing the fast pace thrills of cheating on me! Additional fees will apply, and
mle told me she's gonna kick your ass.
Q: I'm a straight male/gay woman. Can you still help me?
A: Sure! I mean, the date is not going anywhere, and you'll be making out with the homunculus of your choice soon enough, so why not? Your money is as green as anyone else's.
Q: Don't you think it's sad that you're fake whoring yourself out instead of making a real attempt to find companionship?
A: Six words....High priced call girls are underrated. Besides, money gives me power, and power allows me to destroy my enemies and hear the laments of their women. That's the best cuddly orgasm Valentine of them all.
Seriously though; I'm not being sarcastic or anything. I just laughed my balls off when I thought of the whole dating service thing, and I thought I'd share the joke. Besides...this could probably work on Ebay.
One of my resolutions for this year was to start dating again...or at least try to get off my mopey ass and get laid. I was honestly so confused that I figured the best I could do is get out there and see what the world had to offer. Unfortunately, there was an odd pattern at work; anytime I could get a woman interested in a date, it seems a hot guy would appear from the ether and completely charm the girl away into the sunset. Sometimes it was a week before our plans, sometimes it was a couple days after. This has occurred five times so far this year. Yes...five times. Two of these random guys even had the same first name.
So I began to think to myself: this sucks balls. However, attempting the same thing over and over and getting the exact same results each time suggests a process that can repeat predictable results. If you find a way a situation to make that predictable result profitable, then you have a formual for financial success.
I'm starting a dating service.
My methods are unothrodox and my prices will be steep, so it'll be best to set up shop in some area of California were people pay exhorbent fees for things like Feng Shui and Reikki healing. I'll probably need to put 'psychic' or 'spiritual' in the name of my business for a greater sense of psuedo-credibility.
For 1..um no 2..ah hell 3,000 dollars, I will make a date with the client set two weeks from the time the appointment was made. Within one week before or after, a hot guy will instantly materialize from nothingness and completely hit it off with the client. It's just that simple. If for any reason it doesn't work, then not only will I refund the person's money, but I'll also be fucking amazed.
The client's gender and sexual orientation will not be a factor, since it's not going to go anywhere for me anyhow, and I'm pretty certain I can make tupla women also.
I'm so excited about my new business venture that I decided to go ahead and write up the FAQ! (Because no one really asks those questions to begin with, do they?)
Q: If you have a superpower, then why don't you wear a cape and spandex tights?
A: Just because I charge people money to reject me doesn't me that I don't have my pride, dammit!
Q: What happens if the date goes well?
A: Well, as with any successful date, I imagine we'll keep seeing each. The sex will be great, we'll never argue, and we'll be able to communicate openly. Your hot guy will materialize in 4-12 months, in which case you get the added bonus of being able to do him while experiencing the fast pace thrills of cheating on me! Additional fees will apply, and
mle told me she's gonna kick your ass.
Q: I'm a straight male/gay woman. Can you still help me?
A: Sure! I mean, the date is not going anywhere, and you'll be making out with the homunculus of your choice soon enough, so why not? Your money is as green as anyone else's.
Q: Don't you think it's sad that you're fake whoring yourself out instead of making a real attempt to find companionship?
A: Six words....High priced call girls are underrated. Besides, money gives me power, and power allows me to destroy my enemies and hear the laments of their women. That's the best cuddly orgasm Valentine of them all.
Seriously though; I'm not being sarcastic or anything. I just laughed my balls off when I thought of the whole dating service thing, and I thought I'd share the joke. Besides...this could probably work on Ebay.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
2. i love the word homunculus.
3. your profile picture is funny.