I just watched "Secret Window" with Johnny Depp on HBO a few minutes ago. I saw the plot twist coming a mile away, but I was satisfied that they didn't go for the cheesy Hollwood ending and let the adulterous shitbags get converted into compost. Ok, perhaps I enjoyed the latter part a bit too much, but I'm sorry...the role of the cheating wife and her obnoxious adulterous lover were a little too spot on in the realism department, and for once I didn't want that nefarious pair to have the happy ending. Because once upon a time I was a crazy Johnny Depp, and I could relate to what the character was feeling (at least what he had buried within him...I was a little more vocal about my feelings). I guess the theme was depressing though: kill your ex and helover, or you'll just be miserable for the rest of your life. It's hard to believe that Stephen King is still married. Or is it?
I've been cheated on a lot. In fact, I can think of a relationship that lasted for more than a few weeks that didn't end with me getting cheated on; replaying the same scenario over and over. I think the only happy times I've had with women in the amorous sense were casual sex...no muss, no fuss, and everybody gets to stay friends at the end. But I think a problem I have now is that I don't want that anymore, regardless of how much I try to convince myself its for the best. As far as that goes, I've never had problems getting back on the metaphoric horse. I've never dwelled too long on my emotional baggage, and I've been able to excorise the ghosts of bad ex's before entering into something new. But now I'm not so brave or experimental. The last relationship ended like all the rest, but all the stuff prior to that taught me about what exactly I want, and I'm not sure it exists in great supply in this world because I'd never seen it before in my life: that feeling that the person you're with is giving back as much if not more than what you're putting into it. Every relationship before then had me doing all the work for very little in return, but I never figured there was much to expected, as I thought that was how it worked. But I don't think it is, and now that I know that I feel like anything else would be a waste of time.
I keep regretting the fact that I didn't understand all this when I was younger. Back then I could do so many things that I can no longer do. Back then I was something that someone could want, and I could find what it is that I'm finally discovering exists. Those days are behind me now...I'm not as pretty or charming or bold as I used to be, and there's nothing to use to find what I finally realize I want. So I try to put it all out of my mind as much as possible. I try to focus on work, school, family, writing...anything to put away all the nonsense that I've grown too weary to seriously contemplate.
At the concert tonight there were a lot of attractive women that I could almost instantly dismiss as worth approaching, with each one ending with "she's too young for me." The last bit strikes me as funny, since I couldn't be more than a couple years older though I feel twice my age when I'm around people and never in a positive way. If that's the case, then perhaps I've already hit my mid-life crisis, and all I"m lacking is a sports car and a trophy wife with fake breasts.
I've been cheated on a lot. In fact, I can think of a relationship that lasted for more than a few weeks that didn't end with me getting cheated on; replaying the same scenario over and over. I think the only happy times I've had with women in the amorous sense were casual sex...no muss, no fuss, and everybody gets to stay friends at the end. But I think a problem I have now is that I don't want that anymore, regardless of how much I try to convince myself its for the best. As far as that goes, I've never had problems getting back on the metaphoric horse. I've never dwelled too long on my emotional baggage, and I've been able to excorise the ghosts of bad ex's before entering into something new. But now I'm not so brave or experimental. The last relationship ended like all the rest, but all the stuff prior to that taught me about what exactly I want, and I'm not sure it exists in great supply in this world because I'd never seen it before in my life: that feeling that the person you're with is giving back as much if not more than what you're putting into it. Every relationship before then had me doing all the work for very little in return, but I never figured there was much to expected, as I thought that was how it worked. But I don't think it is, and now that I know that I feel like anything else would be a waste of time.
I keep regretting the fact that I didn't understand all this when I was younger. Back then I could do so many things that I can no longer do. Back then I was something that someone could want, and I could find what it is that I'm finally discovering exists. Those days are behind me now...I'm not as pretty or charming or bold as I used to be, and there's nothing to use to find what I finally realize I want. So I try to put it all out of my mind as much as possible. I try to focus on work, school, family, writing...anything to put away all the nonsense that I've grown too weary to seriously contemplate.
At the concert tonight there were a lot of attractive women that I could almost instantly dismiss as worth approaching, with each one ending with "she's too young for me." The last bit strikes me as funny, since I couldn't be more than a couple years older though I feel twice my age when I'm around people and never in a positive way. If that's the case, then perhaps I've already hit my mid-life crisis, and all I"m lacking is a sports car and a trophy wife with fake breasts.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
lecia:
oh, yeah...i forgot about that 
ophelia:
That makes me want to watch that movie.