God Chaser surfs for Christ Warrior!
(Actual headline from tonights surfing)
I fucking love online personals; its one of the few pleasures of living in these culture-forsaken parts. A vast menagerie of freaks and incest enthuaisists, all conviently lined up for my viewing pleasure. Don't get me wrong though; they do work for a lot of people....elsewhere. Sometimes I like to type zip codes for more civilized places and look at the relatively normal people, who seem to be quite likeable and attractive. And I sincerely hope they find what they are looking. But you've seen where I live by my profile, and you probaly don't have a high opinion of this place, so bear with me with on my unusual hobby.
The neat thing about asking a place to sum themselves up in a series of close-ended questions and text boxes is that the more they try to exaggerate their positive attributes, the more they tend to reveal their flaws. If you can read between the lines, you can usually get a decent idea of what type of person they are. And round my neck of the backwoods, the results are utterly frigthening (yet hilarious). But there are always exceptions: i've made a few friends poking around online, and there always a few cool people no matter where you find yourself. But I'm not going to talk about them, I want to talk about the scary ones.
Since you've probaly guessed i'm generalizing here, I'm going to make a list. Lists are fun for people with short attention spans, and for people who enjoy things being categorized. Without further ranting, I present to you:
HILLBILLY FREAKSHOW OF THE DAMNED!
1. Christian woman ISO
Right there, things have gone tragically wrong. She's usually looking for someone to raise her kids, to praise Jesus together, and maybe if things work out, kill abortion doctors and protest the funerals of gay people beaten to death by her family. No, this isn't all Christians, just the ones in WV, who we all agree are horrible mutants. Her profile says she's 27, but her face says 45 years of hard living. Roughly half the time she found Jesus in prison, which never ceases to amaze me because people always seem to find him there and I don't recall him even being arrested in this century, much less convicted.
2. Country Girl/NASCAR Girl/Mudrunnin' Girl, etc.
Pretty much the same as Christian lady, but spends more time in bars, and lied even worse concerning her age. Also has kids, but wants you to know that she can stuff them in the closet in her trailer if they start to bug you. Insert redneck stereotype here, cause it fits.
3. Looking for someone special (or equally or greater sappy thing)
Translation: I will stalk you to the ends of the earth.
These are the scariest and most common on the WV online personals. Age is indeterminable, but considering how old Cthlulu is, I'm guessing BIG lie about the age. Seriously, the pics give me nightmares. I'm firm believer in that a person's personality and sense of humor is what truly makes them attractive...but DAMN. Anyway, once upon a time I used to reply to these ads, since I wanted to make friends anyway....and who knows? Maybe i'll hit it off. This is when i learned about the stalking thing mentioned above. The most memoralble one was the girl from parkersburg; she sent me homemade webcam porn... because I complimented her poetry...for two weeks. She was a nice person, but sending people movies of you playing with yourself because you said you liked their poem? Sorry, gotta pass.
4.) Princess ISO
This one is tricky. Her pic matches her age (her hairstyle is the same age, keep in mind where this is), and her interests seem pretty decent....then we get to the part where she describes herself. Two pages of how totally fucking great she is, occasionally interrupted by how she isn't going to put up with your shit, so pretty do exactly what she tells you to do. I think this is pretty considerate really, when you think about it. How many times have you wound up with a girl (or guy) who seemed nice at first, then they turned into a complete control freak/gold digger/ abusive shithead? This lady lets you know up front, even though she doesn't appear aware that she's doing it. That was awfully nice of her to warn us away.
5. Witty metaphor ISO witty metaphor
In the words of the great Admiral Ackbar, "It's a trap!". I don't know why, but here lies the profile of incredibly disturbed human being. She's got a Cluster B personality disorder with schizophrenia mixed in for flavor. Her favorite love scene was Schindler's List, and she wants to have you gutted and deepfried in time for when the aliens arrive. I don't want to talk about it.
Once again, this is how it is in WV, so i'm not critizing online personals for any other part of the country. Maybe writing this makes me sound like a shallow, misanthropic person, but live a few years in my hell without a sense of gallows humor, and then try to tell me that. Anyway, to review:
1. WV sucks more ass than any place has a right to suck ass
2. I fucking hate it here, but at least I can laugh at 'em
3. I hope the pagan god Mothman eats this place 5 minutes after I leave for good.
Thanks for reading
(Actual headline from tonights surfing)
I fucking love online personals; its one of the few pleasures of living in these culture-forsaken parts. A vast menagerie of freaks and incest enthuaisists, all conviently lined up for my viewing pleasure. Don't get me wrong though; they do work for a lot of people....elsewhere. Sometimes I like to type zip codes for more civilized places and look at the relatively normal people, who seem to be quite likeable and attractive. And I sincerely hope they find what they are looking. But you've seen where I live by my profile, and you probaly don't have a high opinion of this place, so bear with me with on my unusual hobby.
The neat thing about asking a place to sum themselves up in a series of close-ended questions and text boxes is that the more they try to exaggerate their positive attributes, the more they tend to reveal their flaws. If you can read between the lines, you can usually get a decent idea of what type of person they are. And round my neck of the backwoods, the results are utterly frigthening (yet hilarious). But there are always exceptions: i've made a few friends poking around online, and there always a few cool people no matter where you find yourself. But I'm not going to talk about them, I want to talk about the scary ones.
Since you've probaly guessed i'm generalizing here, I'm going to make a list. Lists are fun for people with short attention spans, and for people who enjoy things being categorized. Without further ranting, I present to you:
HILLBILLY FREAKSHOW OF THE DAMNED!
1. Christian woman ISO
Right there, things have gone tragically wrong. She's usually looking for someone to raise her kids, to praise Jesus together, and maybe if things work out, kill abortion doctors and protest the funerals of gay people beaten to death by her family. No, this isn't all Christians, just the ones in WV, who we all agree are horrible mutants. Her profile says she's 27, but her face says 45 years of hard living. Roughly half the time she found Jesus in prison, which never ceases to amaze me because people always seem to find him there and I don't recall him even being arrested in this century, much less convicted.
2. Country Girl/NASCAR Girl/Mudrunnin' Girl, etc.
Pretty much the same as Christian lady, but spends more time in bars, and lied even worse concerning her age. Also has kids, but wants you to know that she can stuff them in the closet in her trailer if they start to bug you. Insert redneck stereotype here, cause it fits.
3. Looking for someone special (or equally or greater sappy thing)
Translation: I will stalk you to the ends of the earth.
These are the scariest and most common on the WV online personals. Age is indeterminable, but considering how old Cthlulu is, I'm guessing BIG lie about the age. Seriously, the pics give me nightmares. I'm firm believer in that a person's personality and sense of humor is what truly makes them attractive...but DAMN. Anyway, once upon a time I used to reply to these ads, since I wanted to make friends anyway....and who knows? Maybe i'll hit it off. This is when i learned about the stalking thing mentioned above. The most memoralble one was the girl from parkersburg; she sent me homemade webcam porn... because I complimented her poetry...for two weeks. She was a nice person, but sending people movies of you playing with yourself because you said you liked their poem? Sorry, gotta pass.
4.) Princess ISO
This one is tricky. Her pic matches her age (her hairstyle is the same age, keep in mind where this is), and her interests seem pretty decent....then we get to the part where she describes herself. Two pages of how totally fucking great she is, occasionally interrupted by how she isn't going to put up with your shit, so pretty do exactly what she tells you to do. I think this is pretty considerate really, when you think about it. How many times have you wound up with a girl (or guy) who seemed nice at first, then they turned into a complete control freak/gold digger/ abusive shithead? This lady lets you know up front, even though she doesn't appear aware that she's doing it. That was awfully nice of her to warn us away.
5. Witty metaphor ISO witty metaphor
In the words of the great Admiral Ackbar, "It's a trap!". I don't know why, but here lies the profile of incredibly disturbed human being. She's got a Cluster B personality disorder with schizophrenia mixed in for flavor. Her favorite love scene was Schindler's List, and she wants to have you gutted and deepfried in time for when the aliens arrive. I don't want to talk about it.
Once again, this is how it is in WV, so i'm not critizing online personals for any other part of the country. Maybe writing this makes me sound like a shallow, misanthropic person, but live a few years in my hell without a sense of gallows humor, and then try to tell me that. Anyway, to review:
1. WV sucks more ass than any place has a right to suck ass
2. I fucking hate it here, but at least I can laugh at 'em
3. I hope the pagan god Mothman eats this place 5 minutes after I leave for good.
Thanks for reading
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
inkncarrots:
That's so weird. I live in California and I used to take calls for the cable company in WV when they were closed. Point Pleasant, Nitro, Charleston, all that shit. It is just too weird to see Point Pleasant, WV on SG. I guess there are some normal people there. LOL.
bella_donna:
lol the undies thing is only for new unused/underware lol 