now playing: Tymps (The Sick in the Head Song) Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine
Ever just feel like you might die? Not just emotionally, I mean really feel like your life is in danger from an illness you just can't beat. I went to the doctor a few times over the past two weeks and to tell the truth I'm not getting better. I'm actually in more pain this morning that I was when this all started.
I think I may need to change my lifestyle and maybe even my job. I never quit smoking because I never wanted to. I know I should quit, and therefore I want to, but I don't WANT to quit. understand?
I don't frink a lot as it is. Quitting alcohol won't be an issue. My dietary habits are an entirely different matter. I eat the worst things with no sense of moderation. I'll eat half a pizza and then i won't have a real meal for days.
I hardly get any kind of excersise. I barely go outside the house. Not that that could change at all while i'm in this much pain but I have to wonder; is it "too late"? Have i ruined my body and my life?
On some level that was in fact my plan all along so I'm not really going to cry about it now. A slow death. some twenty years ago I decided I wasn't going to live very long and i began killing myself slowly. Living dangerously. Eating poorly. Smoking, Drinking. I drove my car like an asshole. I wasn't afraid of ANYTHING. you want to rob me at gunpoint? I feel bad for you, 'cause I'm not afraid of pain and death.
I softened over the years. I had a kid and found some hope. There is someone who needs me to be here. Or at least i tell myself it matters to him. I think as long as he has fatty food and xbox he might not notice my absense. I work so hard to change his lifestyle so he doesn's have to repeat my miserable life.
I'm losing my focus. I guess this entry is over.
Ever just feel like you might die? Not just emotionally, I mean really feel like your life is in danger from an illness you just can't beat. I went to the doctor a few times over the past two weeks and to tell the truth I'm not getting better. I'm actually in more pain this morning that I was when this all started.
I think I may need to change my lifestyle and maybe even my job. I never quit smoking because I never wanted to. I know I should quit, and therefore I want to, but I don't WANT to quit. understand?
I don't frink a lot as it is. Quitting alcohol won't be an issue. My dietary habits are an entirely different matter. I eat the worst things with no sense of moderation. I'll eat half a pizza and then i won't have a real meal for days.
I hardly get any kind of excersise. I barely go outside the house. Not that that could change at all while i'm in this much pain but I have to wonder; is it "too late"? Have i ruined my body and my life?
On some level that was in fact my plan all along so I'm not really going to cry about it now. A slow death. some twenty years ago I decided I wasn't going to live very long and i began killing myself slowly. Living dangerously. Eating poorly. Smoking, Drinking. I drove my car like an asshole. I wasn't afraid of ANYTHING. you want to rob me at gunpoint? I feel bad for you, 'cause I'm not afraid of pain and death.
I softened over the years. I had a kid and found some hope. There is someone who needs me to be here. Or at least i tell myself it matters to him. I think as long as he has fatty food and xbox he might not notice my absense. I work so hard to change his lifestyle so he doesn's have to repeat my miserable life.
I'm losing my focus. I guess this entry is over.