Today everything happened for a reason, i had a previous entry but its just nothing compared to the decision to focus on my thoughts and occurances.
I felt so empty today, as i have the last few days. Easily irritated, hard to get out of the chair, realizing i had lost most of the motivation i had upon completing training.
Mostly because training motivated you while at the same time you saw an end to your struggle. a REAL end undenyable.... the training would indeed end if you just kept pushing and thats all you cared about.
But in real life there is no end besides death.... thats the only undenyable thing... its hard to stay motivated with what your doing when every goal is questionable and not so much something your DYING to get to... because i was DYING to get to the end of training to be honest, even though i miss the struggles and point to it all now.
Anyway ... onto my story.... so im feeling all these things and i take my old leather army notebook binder thing and decide to walk BAREFOOT on all these tiny jagged rocks on the road to a forest where i can get away from everything and write for awhile about how much it hurts to see how easily i fell down.
Every step on the rocks sucked, it hurt and i realized even if i turned back id have alot of pain to go through and i wouldent even get to write in my notebook peacefully.
So i kept walking and after awhile down the road i was hobbling like an idiot (the roads about .5 miles to the forest path)
Eventually i took a walk on the grass on the side of the road because i was tired of enduring... (for awhile i purposely was enduring because i was hoping for adaptation to the pain which just never came).... all that "came" was an easier path to the same place and all it took was me walking.
I got to the forest path and start writing, i get pretty much all i need to say out when suddenly it begins to thunder.... i stand up and it begins to rain horribly.
I bolted back in the pouring rain on the grass barefoot 10 times faster than i walked there.
Went into the garage and wrote some more.... finished up all i felt i had to write then drank some of this flavored water i saw.. dumped the rest on my head....
I went online to post this but the internet wouldent work cause of the rain (DSL) so i had to wait.. i knew i had to find something before the internet would work again... i had to do something specific before i could go back on....
i felt compelled to look in my closet so i did.... inside i looked around "hmmm some interesting books with the name nick in the title i never noticed before" nah that dosent seem to be it....
I kept feeling that i had to take this dagger my mom bought from medievil times out from a shelf in my closet and i did... wondering why i was holding it i went to put it back realizing it wasnt the reason i went in the closet, but when i put it in i saw a pair of sandals which had been behind the knife on that shelf.
Now i never knew i owned a pair of sandals and if i DID i would of walked across those jagged rocks with THOSE sandals on and decided to screw the whole "endure pain" thing.
Right after i found the sandals the rain stopped and the internet worked again so here i am....
Did i write this well enough so everyone could see how interesting things were to me? Do YOU feel a first person experience? i sure hope so because this definatly seems to be worth all the wetness....
I felt so empty today, as i have the last few days. Easily irritated, hard to get out of the chair, realizing i had lost most of the motivation i had upon completing training.
Mostly because training motivated you while at the same time you saw an end to your struggle. a REAL end undenyable.... the training would indeed end if you just kept pushing and thats all you cared about.
But in real life there is no end besides death.... thats the only undenyable thing... its hard to stay motivated with what your doing when every goal is questionable and not so much something your DYING to get to... because i was DYING to get to the end of training to be honest, even though i miss the struggles and point to it all now.
Anyway ... onto my story.... so im feeling all these things and i take my old leather army notebook binder thing and decide to walk BAREFOOT on all these tiny jagged rocks on the road to a forest where i can get away from everything and write for awhile about how much it hurts to see how easily i fell down.
Every step on the rocks sucked, it hurt and i realized even if i turned back id have alot of pain to go through and i wouldent even get to write in my notebook peacefully.
So i kept walking and after awhile down the road i was hobbling like an idiot (the roads about .5 miles to the forest path)
Eventually i took a walk on the grass on the side of the road because i was tired of enduring... (for awhile i purposely was enduring because i was hoping for adaptation to the pain which just never came).... all that "came" was an easier path to the same place and all it took was me walking.
I got to the forest path and start writing, i get pretty much all i need to say out when suddenly it begins to thunder.... i stand up and it begins to rain horribly.
I bolted back in the pouring rain on the grass barefoot 10 times faster than i walked there.
Went into the garage and wrote some more.... finished up all i felt i had to write then drank some of this flavored water i saw.. dumped the rest on my head....
I went online to post this but the internet wouldent work cause of the rain (DSL) so i had to wait.. i knew i had to find something before the internet would work again... i had to do something specific before i could go back on....
i felt compelled to look in my closet so i did.... inside i looked around "hmmm some interesting books with the name nick in the title i never noticed before" nah that dosent seem to be it....
I kept feeling that i had to take this dagger my mom bought from medievil times out from a shelf in my closet and i did... wondering why i was holding it i went to put it back realizing it wasnt the reason i went in the closet, but when i put it in i saw a pair of sandals which had been behind the knife on that shelf.
Now i never knew i owned a pair of sandals and if i DID i would of walked across those jagged rocks with THOSE sandals on and decided to screw the whole "endure pain" thing.
Right after i found the sandals the rain stopped and the internet worked again so here i am....
Did i write this well enough so everyone could see how interesting things were to me? Do YOU feel a first person experience? i sure hope so because this definatly seems to be worth all the wetness....
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
piksy:
crazy sickness you say.......are you pregnant? if you are, its not mine. 
piksy:
YAY!!! congrats on the job. now you can save up money to come visit. 