I don't blog very often, but those who know me may know that after 15 years alone, I've been in a relationship recently.
Unfortunately it turned out to be one of those ones where everything is absolutely amazing to begin with, and then things begin to turn weird after that. Of course ( says he ) ** I'm ** not the one who's treated the thing in an unhealthy way, so I can't really blame myself for how things are going, but there's no doubt about the fact that my somewhat frantic attempts to make sense of some of the things she's done and said have made me get a little crazy too. And that's not added anything to the situation either.
But what I guess I wanted to write about are my own observations about how I find myself dealing with this :
On the one hand, I really hurt.
On the other hand, I'm going crazy in my efforts to figure out what the story is with all this.
So I hurt, and I feel crazy too. Dandy.
What I seem to have noticed with many other people is that when they find themselves hurting, that's pretty much the thing they pay attention to, and what they base their actions on.
Whereas with myself, I seem to be able to set aside ( for a while at least) how badly I feel, and instead am spending all my energy in this desperate attempt to figure out what's going on. Like once I actually do make sense of things , then that will be the thing that will make things a little better for me. Even if the relationship does go to hell.
But figuring out what's going on is almost impossible, as the woman I'm involved with acts and says one thing one day, and another the next. She'll send me these explanations, but often much of what she writes doesn't hold together very well. One thing she says is contradicted by something she says later, and she simply does not seem to have much insight into that. There was a time when she seemed to have a little insight into her actions, but I haven't heard much that's directed inward recently.
Even now we really do seem to care about each other, but at the same time, it's pretty clear that she does not want to be lovers anymore. And then I'll get an e-mail saying " I still love you". It's crazy making.
When we first got together a few months ago, she wanted to be with me *so* much that ( unbeknownst to me ) she was willing to openly lie to her own children and family in order to make time to see me. But apparently out of nowhere, now she has no time for us at all, and complains that I'm being needy as a result of my own wishes for us to have some time together.
We've never really had a fight, and I believe I'm doing all I can to be a caring lover, so this pull-back remains mysterious.. Or.....at least somewhat mysterious. I do have a few ideas as to what the issue may be.
After all these years alone, you can imagine how much this hurts. And just to say : I know I come across as fairly pitiful for putting up with this sort of disrespect. But a lot of it gets back to what I mentioned earlier : I find myself able to set my own hurt aside, and rather than letting the pain drive my actions, I seem to be unable to let go of things until I understand what the hell is really going on. And I want to hear it from her own mouth, if you follow me.
But she is not really telling me. There's obviously been some kind of change of heart, and although I keep getting these e-mails from her, trying to explain things ( "I'm just really really busy "...which she is ) it's pretty clear that it's something more than that, as almost in the same breath she makes it obvious that she's able to make time for a lot of other things in her life.
OK, so I could understand this sort of behavior if she was a child, but this is a middle-aged woman who's life is filled with a list of impressive accomplishments as long as your arm. That she should find herself acting so immaturely and thoughtlessly is fairly appalling, and although it's not my responsibility to fix her, I do worry for her. Which of course she won't allow either.
I really should just write it off to bad business, but I'll admit that the nagging memory of those 15 lonely years are causing me to stick with this thing for a lot longer than I reasonably should. And I really do care for her. The fact that she is really beautiful adds some confusion to it too, I'll have to confess.
"She's just crazy and doesn't really know what the hell she is doing" is probably the explanation I'll have to settle for, but that's not really much of an explanation. When it's someone I've been so close with, this fucking brain of mine seems to demand a better explanation before it's ready to let go.
......
And what "the thing" is which may explain all this is compulsive exercise disorder.
She was the overall top-ranked female bike racer in the state...at age 47....and on 7 knee operations. Three *more* knee operations, and two seasons later, despite being in pain 24/7, now that it's summer she's back on the bike again. Which pretty much corresponds with the dramatic reverse in her desire to see me, and the upswing in the sorts of goofy and thoughtless things I find her saying and doing.
At almost 50, she's "back in training" and determined to beat all those 20-somethings once again. With enough Oxycontin, mega-antiinflammatories, and the wacked-out thyroid levels that this combination of meds brings about., that is.
As a result of all this, and several other legitimate stresses in her life, it's like she's dropped about 15 points in IQ, lost many of her previous insights, become thoughtless in her statements and behaviors, and developed a real need to keep her distance from me.
And then we'll have a nice talk, she'll come up with some plausible explanations, deny there's a problem, and I end up feeling like the crazy one.
Sigh....
Unfortunately it turned out to be one of those ones where everything is absolutely amazing to begin with, and then things begin to turn weird after that. Of course ( says he ) ** I'm ** not the one who's treated the thing in an unhealthy way, so I can't really blame myself for how things are going, but there's no doubt about the fact that my somewhat frantic attempts to make sense of some of the things she's done and said have made me get a little crazy too. And that's not added anything to the situation either.
But what I guess I wanted to write about are my own observations about how I find myself dealing with this :
On the one hand, I really hurt.
On the other hand, I'm going crazy in my efforts to figure out what the story is with all this.
So I hurt, and I feel crazy too. Dandy.
What I seem to have noticed with many other people is that when they find themselves hurting, that's pretty much the thing they pay attention to, and what they base their actions on.
Whereas with myself, I seem to be able to set aside ( for a while at least) how badly I feel, and instead am spending all my energy in this desperate attempt to figure out what's going on. Like once I actually do make sense of things , then that will be the thing that will make things a little better for me. Even if the relationship does go to hell.
But figuring out what's going on is almost impossible, as the woman I'm involved with acts and says one thing one day, and another the next. She'll send me these explanations, but often much of what she writes doesn't hold together very well. One thing she says is contradicted by something she says later, and she simply does not seem to have much insight into that. There was a time when she seemed to have a little insight into her actions, but I haven't heard much that's directed inward recently.
Even now we really do seem to care about each other, but at the same time, it's pretty clear that she does not want to be lovers anymore. And then I'll get an e-mail saying " I still love you". It's crazy making.
When we first got together a few months ago, she wanted to be with me *so* much that ( unbeknownst to me ) she was willing to openly lie to her own children and family in order to make time to see me. But apparently out of nowhere, now she has no time for us at all, and complains that I'm being needy as a result of my own wishes for us to have some time together.
We've never really had a fight, and I believe I'm doing all I can to be a caring lover, so this pull-back remains mysterious.. Or.....at least somewhat mysterious. I do have a few ideas as to what the issue may be.
After all these years alone, you can imagine how much this hurts. And just to say : I know I come across as fairly pitiful for putting up with this sort of disrespect. But a lot of it gets back to what I mentioned earlier : I find myself able to set my own hurt aside, and rather than letting the pain drive my actions, I seem to be unable to let go of things until I understand what the hell is really going on. And I want to hear it from her own mouth, if you follow me.
But she is not really telling me. There's obviously been some kind of change of heart, and although I keep getting these e-mails from her, trying to explain things ( "I'm just really really busy "...which she is ) it's pretty clear that it's something more than that, as almost in the same breath she makes it obvious that she's able to make time for a lot of other things in her life.
OK, so I could understand this sort of behavior if she was a child, but this is a middle-aged woman who's life is filled with a list of impressive accomplishments as long as your arm. That she should find herself acting so immaturely and thoughtlessly is fairly appalling, and although it's not my responsibility to fix her, I do worry for her. Which of course she won't allow either.
I really should just write it off to bad business, but I'll admit that the nagging memory of those 15 lonely years are causing me to stick with this thing for a lot longer than I reasonably should. And I really do care for her. The fact that she is really beautiful adds some confusion to it too, I'll have to confess.
"She's just crazy and doesn't really know what the hell she is doing" is probably the explanation I'll have to settle for, but that's not really much of an explanation. When it's someone I've been so close with, this fucking brain of mine seems to demand a better explanation before it's ready to let go.
......
And what "the thing" is which may explain all this is compulsive exercise disorder.
She was the overall top-ranked female bike racer in the state...at age 47....and on 7 knee operations. Three *more* knee operations, and two seasons later, despite being in pain 24/7, now that it's summer she's back on the bike again. Which pretty much corresponds with the dramatic reverse in her desire to see me, and the upswing in the sorts of goofy and thoughtless things I find her saying and doing.
At almost 50, she's "back in training" and determined to beat all those 20-somethings once again. With enough Oxycontin, mega-antiinflammatories, and the wacked-out thyroid levels that this combination of meds brings about., that is.
As a result of all this, and several other legitimate stresses in her life, it's like she's dropped about 15 points in IQ, lost many of her previous insights, become thoughtless in her statements and behaviors, and developed a real need to keep her distance from me.
And then we'll have a nice talk, she'll come up with some plausible explanations, deny there's a problem, and I end up feeling like the crazy one.
Sigh....
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I'm pretty bummed lately that its about the end of the season for my gardening