androgyne

I am not the kind of person who loves. I do not have notions, expectations or even wants of unconditional love. My whole being is based on rational, Machiavellian objectivity. Love is not different. I can only care for somebody as long as it is in my interest to do so.

I am a demanding boyfriend. Not only am I narcissistic, an insomniac, megalomaniac with strong underlying autism, I genuinely believe I am better. I see humanity as lesser, and care little for their trivial way of being. It is not hatred. I am beyond good and evil, how primal. I understand that hierarchy keeps humanities natural propensities toward aggression, war and violence relatively confined. I co-operate but keep my distance, a task that is not always easy.

Sometimes I mis-understand the situation a contrived social norm that is simply reified falsehood. I will tell somebody his or her way of thinking is myopic, illogical or plain wrong with all the subtlety of a smack in the face. I begin philosophical debates about universal truths, paedophilia and murder and desperately albeit futility try to educate humanity. I am so smart and objective that I accidentally isolate myself, but feel nothing about it. Simple cause and effect. Thankfully, I have my anchor to humanity and to this end I was to say a few words of thanks to her on my return blog.

You know her as Secretary. I know her by her actual name of course, but I also have many uses for her. Her value (she laughs cutely at how I describe her thus) is immense. She is an asset of high value and significant worth to me. I would not be as capable of stomaching humanity today without her input. Her soft words of wisdom can quell even my foulest mood at their ignorance. Her fingers stroking through my hair, that loving tender kiss and gentle strokes can make my pent up rage dissipate. Perhaps the kinky sex helps as a release, and it is comforting to know she doesnt just accept my perversions a necessity for me to function in society but encourages them.

It is ironic that such a weak creature can give me so much strength I do not love her in the way she loves me I know, but I love her nevertheless. I do not think many people would like me as a boyfriend even though I could provide many benefits. I am smart, comprising, considerate, adaptable, caring, good in bed, well off etc etc. Yet this is tempered by what I ask for, understanding.

I am complex, and I do not yet think Sec totally understands me. Yet she acknowledges my uniqueness and loves me for it. She knows when I tell her of how happy she makes me; she knows I mean content. When I say she looks suitable, she knows I mean beautiful. She is a visually and mentally wonderful example of humanity who I feel fortunate to have.

When you see people as a code to be solved (I tend to just see the solution in most, its like when you start doing times tables and need to think, but after a while the answers just appear) it is hard to see people how they wish to be seen. I dehumanise humanity and have such disdain for their illusions of society, civility and truth when its so obvious to me they are mere shadows on the wall in Platos cave. I think without her soft touch to help me control my superiority I would be destructive to society.

I am no nihilist or anarchist. Indeed, when you think how I do a chaotic probability web of causality that Lorenz could not solve you reach a sad conclusion. Humanity is pretty screwed. Your precious western notions of democracy and freedoms are simply recycled fashionable ideas that, if society is to continue will have to be abandoned. You have lost your cutting edge. Ban idiots reproducing. Let the poor, old and ill die to better the whole. You trim old and limp flowers so the tree can flourish and yet fail to see logic on a more personal, macro scale. It seems that humanity has a choice it does not want to face. Is it better to die free or live with few rights?

I used to get angry and try to explain to people why they were wrong. Why they were hypocritical or shortsighted. I got frustrated and annoyed. Imagine knowing something that nobody else wanted or was prepared to believe. Now though, I am content to let humanity burn. I have reached the conclusion that your species does not have the intelligence or adaptability to survive. Frankly, I would grab a torch and help it burn were it not for Sec. She helps me understand humanity, its nature. Not to like it mind, but now rather than anger I feel pity. Rather than rage I feel self-righteous sorrow.

It is both testament to how far dissociated they are and how truly awesome she is that I no longer which to help destroy society and am now content with my smug view. I am indeed lucky to have her as my own and I intend to make sure she has no reason to be otherwise. She is a jewel in the rough that I have refined to make virtually flawless. She is the most amazing partner a person could hope for, and I love her for it