androgyne

sooo, anyways... my last blog was a little raw I feel. Since then I've been to bruges and I'm feeling less nutty and recently, my (in)significant other has been going through the same kind of intellectual awakening I did a few years ago. This has saved me the uncomfortableness of deciding whether I should help her on her path, knowing she will probably be less happy but more understanding or leave her be. I think she is already going down the path.

Which I guess has bought out the caring and dominant side of my personality. Outside of the bedroom I am usually an alpha male, I think I am a good leader and I'm fairly knowledgeable, tbh, if teachers got paid more I'd consider being one. But I think Secretary will make a nice little schoolgirl for my more pervy desires whilst crossing into the realm of my caring, nurturing side.

Recently I've been in one of my periodic submissive states. Whenever I feel like my knowledge is becomming heavy I feel powerless, which makes me want to be more girly and more submissive. I know this is essentially pandering to societal stereotypes, yet never the less, it is a natural manifestation of my usual cold-hearted rational masculine side. I kinda become very playful, teasy, and somewhat slutty (total anal whore on occassion), waving my feet in my gf's new wedges as I positioned myself curvily on the bed was especially fun. I know I must have been doing good coz she even left the perving of suicegirls to come over . I always love it when I become so girly I can offer competition with the yummy hunnies on here.

That part of me has now receeded, and instead I am somewhere between the dominance and the caring. I love my girlfriend very much. Sometimes, because I am not comfortable with emotions, when I am required to be caring loving me I do have difficulty in fully understanding others emotions. This is usually not a problem with the many, I just see through them anyways. Sometimes however, with my girl, my objectivity becomes clouded and I do not see all that I can. I think it's times like this that I realise that in my quest to become better I may have become less human. This is not in itself troublesome until I question (I always question) whether my higher when the best you can do is offer a 'big spoon', and kiss her lovingly. I'd tell her I understand, but that would be lieing.

But this, her path not just to knowing but to understanding, gives me a unique oppertunity to really help her. I remember the disgust I felt as society as I saw it began to look more malleable, more fabricated and false. When you feel that everything is some reified lie. I began to become externally angry,and I am sure I would have gone criminal because I have such little respect for laws that could be an infinite number of other ways. I only achieved some kind of balance by abandoning my emotions for rationality and giving myself a unique objective view of society from the outside. My girls anger is more internal but no less potentially destructive. I believe she needs to find balance, perhaps not through my method, but she needs to find a way, and if I can help her then I will.