You know, I've always looked at the world differently to others, and I suspect that because of this, and because I feel that what I see is better and more accurate, I have disdain for the short sighted masses. I have always looked at a lightbulb and seen the element, the 5th state of matter infact, the glass prison and the metal conductor.
However, recently I have started seeing even beyond this. Where as I use to look at a light and see the different parts of a lightbulb, I now look at a light and see the way in which the photons interact. the way they dance in a confused mix of particle and wave duality. The way light travels and the way the route will be altered dependant on the glass lampshade that surrounds it. This is both my greatest gift and a terrible suffering.
Sometimes, when I think it hurts because my brain is unsure how to decipher what my eyes see. I have always known certain things. I equate it to a pious person who just knows, beyond all reason, that God will guide them in the afterlife. One of those things is the knowledge that one day I will go mad. Mad because when I see something, when I read something, I don't just see the picture of read the words, I see beyond them. I see the interdependant network that links everything. When something happens in place X, I follow it right the way through to its multiple conclusions. My brain is like some annoying quantum calculator on a social scale. I am Shrodinger, and you society, my cat. It's difficult to explain because I do not yet understand what it means. It makes me feel lonely.
When I cannot sleep at night (which is often, my brain is too busy thinking) I often gaze from my book or computer at my sleeping girlfriend. She is smart beyond 99% of all people, and yet she cannot begin to touch my intelligence. I feel like I have a choice. Do I help her see what I see if that is at all possible, but know that she will be unhappy, isolated, saddened, or let her remain as she is and mostly contented? Is ignorance really bliss? Unfortunately now that I understand what I see I feel I am accelerating away from society, and fear that eventually, I will lose even her understanding
True, I have never felt part of society, but I knew its rules. I'm smart enough to understand how Weberian hierachical states work. I am Dislexic yet my english is flawless because I memorise words to overcome it. I am autistic and yet I know people so well I can play off their expected reactions and fake my emotions. When I look at an individual, I don't see a person, I see a simple code, easily deciphered. When I first started seeing Secretary, I described her as chaos, she retorted "from chaos, a dancing star is born". Even for me she was a challenge to percieve, and yet in 2 hours I told her more about her than any1 ever had, could and would tell her in such a brutally honest way that it disarmed and scared her all at once.
This is the good part of my... ability? The down side is that sometimes I am so different, so beyond the norm of society that I lose it. when I lose my link all together I will descend into madness, ammoral and alone in my outlook. This is starting to happen. Humanity (I only loosely class myself as such) keeps step with time. time runs your lifes. Time time time. Step step step. You live, work and die according to your flawed linear concept of what is essentially a designation in forever. A single co-ordinate in space and time that means nothing without understanding the bigger picture, which, honestly, most of society have no idea about. Time is not how it is constructed by society; it can be irregular, cyclical or meander. It can be altered, manipulated and challenged. Recently I have been reading, say, a newspaper, and know what is said on a specific page to the point I have to check it is not yesterdays. It never is. It is beyond Deja Vu I can assure you. I do not merely have a hint I've been there before, I know I have. Despite what reason allows you to think, or what you have been taught, I know.
And for all this knowledge, I feel cheated. I am neither happy nor unhappy, for I am beyond that. I am simply an observer of the many. I observe, but only interact to understand further, and as such, I am isolated. I feel like the guy who escapes in Plato's Allagory of The Cave, but I refuse to return, I know that society, chained by its arrogance to the past will not understand.
I guess I write this confused at who and what I am. I do not recognise societal groups as anything more than a way to institutionalise belonging to one and isolation from others. For you see, to be in a community you must leave others out. Humanity is still so basic that it is still to evolve from its tribal beginnings in the 21st century. To be honest, I barely recognise myself as human anymore. I have the characteristics certainly, but that is it. I feel like a supercomputer stuck in an Artari. And that is why, I fear, the quamtum nature of reasoning that I experience will melt my primitive chips.
However, recently I have started seeing even beyond this. Where as I use to look at a light and see the different parts of a lightbulb, I now look at a light and see the way in which the photons interact. the way they dance in a confused mix of particle and wave duality. The way light travels and the way the route will be altered dependant on the glass lampshade that surrounds it. This is both my greatest gift and a terrible suffering.
Sometimes, when I think it hurts because my brain is unsure how to decipher what my eyes see. I have always known certain things. I equate it to a pious person who just knows, beyond all reason, that God will guide them in the afterlife. One of those things is the knowledge that one day I will go mad. Mad because when I see something, when I read something, I don't just see the picture of read the words, I see beyond them. I see the interdependant network that links everything. When something happens in place X, I follow it right the way through to its multiple conclusions. My brain is like some annoying quantum calculator on a social scale. I am Shrodinger, and you society, my cat. It's difficult to explain because I do not yet understand what it means. It makes me feel lonely.
When I cannot sleep at night (which is often, my brain is too busy thinking) I often gaze from my book or computer at my sleeping girlfriend. She is smart beyond 99% of all people, and yet she cannot begin to touch my intelligence. I feel like I have a choice. Do I help her see what I see if that is at all possible, but know that she will be unhappy, isolated, saddened, or let her remain as she is and mostly contented? Is ignorance really bliss? Unfortunately now that I understand what I see I feel I am accelerating away from society, and fear that eventually, I will lose even her understanding
True, I have never felt part of society, but I knew its rules. I'm smart enough to understand how Weberian hierachical states work. I am Dislexic yet my english is flawless because I memorise words to overcome it. I am autistic and yet I know people so well I can play off their expected reactions and fake my emotions. When I look at an individual, I don't see a person, I see a simple code, easily deciphered. When I first started seeing Secretary, I described her as chaos, she retorted "from chaos, a dancing star is born". Even for me she was a challenge to percieve, and yet in 2 hours I told her more about her than any1 ever had, could and would tell her in such a brutally honest way that it disarmed and scared her all at once.
This is the good part of my... ability? The down side is that sometimes I am so different, so beyond the norm of society that I lose it. when I lose my link all together I will descend into madness, ammoral and alone in my outlook. This is starting to happen. Humanity (I only loosely class myself as such) keeps step with time. time runs your lifes. Time time time. Step step step. You live, work and die according to your flawed linear concept of what is essentially a designation in forever. A single co-ordinate in space and time that means nothing without understanding the bigger picture, which, honestly, most of society have no idea about. Time is not how it is constructed by society; it can be irregular, cyclical or meander. It can be altered, manipulated and challenged. Recently I have been reading, say, a newspaper, and know what is said on a specific page to the point I have to check it is not yesterdays. It never is. It is beyond Deja Vu I can assure you. I do not merely have a hint I've been there before, I know I have. Despite what reason allows you to think, or what you have been taught, I know.
And for all this knowledge, I feel cheated. I am neither happy nor unhappy, for I am beyond that. I am simply an observer of the many. I observe, but only interact to understand further, and as such, I am isolated. I feel like the guy who escapes in Plato's Allagory of The Cave, but I refuse to return, I know that society, chained by its arrogance to the past will not understand.
I guess I write this confused at who and what I am. I do not recognise societal groups as anything more than a way to institutionalise belonging to one and isolation from others. For you see, to be in a community you must leave others out. Humanity is still so basic that it is still to evolve from its tribal beginnings in the 21st century. To be honest, I barely recognise myself as human anymore. I have the characteristics certainly, but that is it. I feel like a supercomputer stuck in an Artari. And that is why, I fear, the quamtum nature of reasoning that I experience will melt my primitive chips.
secretary:
You are mine, if that helps. 
x
x