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i had to write a reaction paper for my human sexuality class. i could write whatever i wanted, this is kind of personal, but what the fuck. enjoy my rants:

i want to start this reaction paper by saying that i am excited to be in this class and am eager to maybe solve some inner debates i have with, among other things, prostitution, commitment, and anal sex. actually, scratch that, i want to take this in a different direction, to my need/want to be in a relationship. i dont think i have ever been in a healthy relationship and i dont know if ive ever really been in love. i have definitely been in lust, had my heart broken and written my share of love songs. i want to think i am ready to be in a relationship, but i am probably not. i always get attached to people very easily and as much as i try not to show it, i think i chase people away. they stop calling, always. i think i am an awesome person and i dont know why people wouldnt want to be with me, but i havent found them yet. i understand it takes years to find someone you are truely compatible with, but i just want a little companionship through these years of my life. sometimes i feel desperate, but i am just lonely. my first long term relationship was about 5 years ago. sean, who i am still, for lack of a better word, obsessed with, was veryverbally abusive and broke up with me for his best girlfriend at the time. me and the girl later became friends, and in my next serious relationship, about three years ago, blake and i were sleeping in a bed with that same girl and she woke up with his hand down her pants. i dont really know what happened, he says he was sleeping, and she says he made nasty comments to her the morning after. i didnt know what to beleive so i broke up with him. needless to say, i have serious trust issues. i attract and am attracted to crazy mother fuckers and all i want is a healthy relationship. i am a hopeless romantic, with a father a didnt even really know till a few years ago, and a mother who thinks that life is fine as long as there is a man by your side, which she hasnt had in years. i am tired and sometimes just want to cuddle. i look for love everywhere i go. i think i am a horrible person sometimes. i have been the other woman and been cheated on, it sucks. im crying now i think im done.