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andi

Pennsyltucky

SG Since 2004

Followers 2191 Following 1169

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Tuesday Dec 02, 2008

Dec 2, 2008
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ok now that i have the mobile blogging thing down I can write a decent blog.


Lately my life just sucks. I feel like no one is here for me. Everyone is concerned about the other person but no one seems to care about how what he did affected me. Mentally I am not here. I am so depressed because of this whole situation and on top of that christmas is almost here and that just sucks even more. I wont ever be able to spend christmas with my baby boy ever again and it kills me inside. Everything I see reminds me of him. I look over at his toys and I can still see him playing with his trucks in front of the t.v. I see a dead animal in the road with its legs up.. and I see him on the hospital bed.. not moving.
I'm trying to keep myself busy to keep my mind off of how depressed I really am but lately everything seems to be hitting me hard in the face. I mean, on my way home from my second job last night I broke down in tears...
The two jobs are going alright. The first job is taking a lot out of me and even now as I sit here at my second job, my eyes want to shut and I just want to sleep. But I can't because if someone comes in and wants a piercing I have to be awake to help them out. Money issues are eh... I still have bills I need to pay off and whatnot but at least I have money in my pocket for food and gas. Thats all I really need now and have learned to survive on.
On top of everything else I feel like everyone is treating me like a piece of shit . . . like I am worthless and its really starting to get to me and bring me down hard. Everyone seems to just stop talking to me and stop giving two shits about me. I just don't get it... I am always, ALWAYS there for them but when I need help or someone to talk to. They listen for like the first 5 mins and somehow they change the topic to themselves and what is wrong in their life. It's like wtf.... im depressed slightly suicidal and im trying to talk to you to feel better and you cant do anything but think about yourself? It's been this way since February.... people cried on my shoulder in my time of need and it should have been the other way around. I should have been able to go to them for strength but I wasn't able too. For awhile at work I got crap from certain co-workers about how sad I looked and that what I went through couldn't have been that bad and just UGH..why don't I kill someone close to you and see how you feel. I have learned from past experiences to not let my feelings out/ let my guard down around people and I did just that. I let everything down and I am getting so hurt from it. Constantly even now... I tell someone how I am feeling/what I feel and I get nothing but crap for it. So where does that leave me?
On my couch, alone and crying my heart out.
I think I might just stop talking to everyone unless it has to deal with one of my two jobs. That seems like the smart route to go quite honestly.
I just wish I had someone there for me. Someone who isn't ever going to lie to me about everything and not fuck with my mind and heart. I don't think it will ever happen though. Especially now since because of one person, I have lost all trust and faith in people. and when I tell someone how I feel (like i said earlier) i get nothing but crap for it.
Honestly, what do I really have to live for nowadays..... nothing too terribly important really. Maybe two friends and my mom and brother. eh.. I want a new life. I want to start over and I want my son to be here with me to do it with. All I need/want is him back in my life and I will be the most happiest person on this planet.

ok.. sorry. I think I ranted enough. sorry about it... really.. I am..





but p.s. don't just start talking to me out of the blue just because of this blog and shit. You either talk to me or you dont and don't give me crap for what I have done in my life. Fucking assholes....


im done now.
bye
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
ron4164:
kiss kiss
I really wish you had someone to talk to sweetie.
Face to face.
I hope you can have a nice time.
Things are rough, hope they get smoother.
Take care ok. smile
Dec 2, 2008
bedheadchicken:
I love you.
Dec 2, 2008

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