andain

We were forced to move from our apartment at the end of May. We learned that the apartment manager had a personal vendetta against pit bulls, and even though Stella is registered with the city as a lab mix, she was still threatening to evict us. We were already planning on breaking the lease because we wanted a bigger place, but this was sooner than we expected.

Luckily, we were asked to move in with another couple, and it seemed like a great match even though we would have to play revolving doors with our dogs because they have a super dominant pit bull and we know better than to try and introduce them. More about this later...

So June saw us moving into a "better" place and adjusting there. It also saw us celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary. Even though money was tight, and our car had broken down Tim did what he could to make it special. He made super secret plans and we went into Boston. We walked around the Boston Public Gardens, which is where we were married. Unfortunately the incredible willow tree we were married under was no longer there. (We are hoping it fell during the last storm...) He also surprised me with reservations to Lucca, the restaurant that served as our reception. Oh and I almost forgot the best part. We didnt have a traditional wedding cake, so we didnt technically have a cake topper. As another surprise he asked one of his customers at work, who also happens to be a pastry chef, to make us a basic cake topper we could share on our anniversary. Well she heard from the awesome people Tim works with that we didnt have a cake so she upped the ante. She made us a beautiful two tier wedding cake as a surprise. It was awesome and tasted even better!

July. Oh July. July started off incredible. We flew into STL for Tims sisters wedding. I got to meet his family finally and we got to just relax. It was awesome. Ive been running around and working so much (dog training along with regular work), that Ive been running myself ragged. It was just what we needed.

Then I swear, it is like we had a moment of happiness and then, bam! life decided to give us the big middle finger.

I had a miscarriage.

I am not supposed to be able to get pregnant on my own. I was told that I would need to undergo fertility treatments to have children. This is one of the reasons why Tim and I decided we did not want children. So imagine my surprise when my regular period turned into something worse than I ever had. I ended up going to the ER. And even that was an awful experience. The ER doctor was so upset I was having a miscarriage that she was visibly shaken and had to excuse herself from the room. I am not sure what her history was, but holy shit, you are a doctor! You are supposed to save your break downs for when the patient cant see or hear you.

I think the hardest part about the miscarriage is, how do you get over something that was never supposed to happen in the first place. And then there is the fact that we never had a choice either way? I think that is what upset Tim the most, not having a choice if we kept the baby or not.

I am also pretty sure I was pregnant with twins.

The doctor said I was only a couple weeks along, but my hormone levels were abnormally high for only 2-3 weeks. I just have this feeling...

So I have been trying to deal with everything that goes with having an unexpected miscarriage, the depression, hormones, etc. It has been tough. The side affect of all this hormonal shit has caused all my hair to fall out. It is not falling out bad enough to leave me with bald spots, but it is falling out everywhere, and very noticable. Because of this I think I'm going to cut my hair off again. I figure if it is short I won't notice it as much.... hopefully.

I also have not really been sleeping lately. I willl go to bed but sleep evades me. This has just been adding to my stress/depression.

I really do not know what to do anymore.

I'm too tired to write any more about what else is going on. I'm going to try and get some sleep. Thanks for the vent time SG Land. Sleep well.