(619): We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
(781): i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
(562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
(850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
