anaxarete

I was lying in bed freaking out Friday night.

I am in nursing school and I'm almost done. This is a second career for me. I spent 10 years working in film as a producer. I worked at a company that made TV commercials so sometimes even though I produced film it felt like working in advertising (which we all know is the devil). I felt like I was expending a lot of my life energy as part of the problem, not the solution. I started attending births of friends of mine and decided maybe a career in health specifically midwifery would be my next step. It would also allow us to live anywhere we wanted (my husband has been trying to get me to leave NYC for a while now). I slowly started taking the science classes that I avoided in college the first time around and before I knew it some of my classmates have jobs already.

I think a lot of what they teach us in nursing school is stupid, it makes me wonder what medical school is like. The health care system is seriously fucked up. Many people think of the body like a car with separate parts, like a car, not one intricately interconnected physical and spiritual entity. Its all so very REAL. I deal with sick people. People at their most vulnerable. Its heavy. So Im thinking things like how come Im not just a bartender or a photographer? How did this become my life? Is this what I want?

I suppose its cold feet right before I graduate, but of course its terrifying to think I made some BIG life altering mistake. And, nurses are soooo not sexy, in real life that is. But I do get to wear these shoes.
Most of my classmates wear sneakers but I thought I would go for the nursiest shoes I could find. I wanted perforated white leather but I couldnt find them.

Then I calm down. Theres nothing else that I can see myself doing at the moment, its all a journey and if its not meant to be something else will present itself.

(I hope)