So i've been thinking alot lately and i think i put my finger on whats wrong. I just don't fit in... Normaly i change to fit my enviroment. If someone needs a mother figure thats what i am. If they need some one to throw two year old tantrums thats what i give them. If they need an ear to cry on or someone to laugh at thier jokes thats what i do. My voice changes the way i carry myself changes everything does. But i think i'm getting tierd of it and i think i'm makeing the allowenses less and less. I realized while i was in NY that i like the person i was while i was around rona and Josh. I liked that girl that laughed and made crude jokes. I liked the girl that didn't care about her hair but at least wore clean clothes out of the house. I liked that girl that wasn't conserend about everyone else in her life. I liked that girl that could be vulnerable infront of a friend.
This is confuseing... ever see that scene in runaway bride where he confronts her on what kind of eggs she likes. Well thats me sitting there with a whole lot of plates of eggs and i don't like any of them.
I just want to be me but at this point i have no idea who that is. I'm thinking of quitting SG. I just don't seem to get the same enjoyment out of it... I'm also thinking of finding somewhere to volunteer untill i find a job. That way i don't kill E. and Andrew and i can get out of the house. idon't know maybe its two am and i'm just talking out my ass again.
on other note weird conversation with E. tonight where he told me Josh had a crush on me years ago that he squashed very quickly by calling him on it... I don't know what to say to that. He said "I'm secure in our relationship cause i know if anyone came in the way i could kill them emotionaly, mentaly, or physicly"
I don't know what to say to all that... But i'm kinda annoyed by it.
This is confuseing... ever see that scene in runaway bride where he confronts her on what kind of eggs she likes. Well thats me sitting there with a whole lot of plates of eggs and i don't like any of them.
I just want to be me but at this point i have no idea who that is. I'm thinking of quitting SG. I just don't seem to get the same enjoyment out of it... I'm also thinking of finding somewhere to volunteer untill i find a job. That way i don't kill E. and Andrew and i can get out of the house. idon't know maybe its two am and i'm just talking out my ass again.
on other note weird conversation with E. tonight where he told me Josh had a crush on me years ago that he squashed very quickly by calling him on it... I don't know what to say to that. He said "I'm secure in our relationship cause i know if anyone came in the way i could kill them emotionaly, mentaly, or physicly"
I don't know what to say to all that... But i'm kinda annoyed by it.
I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts.
I think it's natural to change to a certain degree when your in different situations.
For example, at work, i'm really quite because I just can't relate to the people I work with. However, at Uni, where people have more intelligent convo's they can't shut me up in most classes.
Around my friends, I'm the funny one, around my family, again, I'm quiter.
I guess, just learn to put yourself first sometimes, maybe get into the habit of making choices, then as you do, it will become more second nature. For example, if someone says what food do you want, decide, don't say whatever, or whatever your having. Maybe a silly example, but you know what I mean.
If you can paint, expressing yourself isn't a problem, you just need to do it more in a social situation. Life is too short to not do what you want, I used to do what your describing. If we were seeing a movie, i would just go along, now if it's not something I want to do, then I'll do something else.
Your probably perhaps discovering that 99 percent of people look after their own interests, so perhaps it's time you looked after yours more.
If your not sure what to do, maybe go to the library and get some books on different topics your interested in, that will at least get you thinking of different paths you want to persure and get involved in.
I'm in a similar situation atm, if you read my latest blog.
I hoped this has helped in some way.
Take care,
Benn.