So here's my big plan for the next month or so.
Next 2 weeks- I'll play along with E. and put effort in to being his perfect little wife that he wants. I'll try to be content and happy here.
Time in rochester (three weeks)- I'll fix up the house and consentrate and figureing out where who and how i want to be. I'll talk to E. and maybe distance will make the heart grow fonder and let wonds heal. .
Then i'll take stock. If things are like they are today i may not come back to the lake. I don't know where i'll go But i don't think i'll be able to come back and pretend everything is hunky dorry.
Today was just.... bad. I spent most of the day feeling like a disapointment to everyone in my life. Mainly it was over stupid things that kept building up to larger issues.
On the way back from temple we got in a HUGE fight. As i'm sitting there listening to him say things like "i've supported your through everything and i just want you to do 'something'. and "i want a confermation that you want to be partners in this and not have me just carey you through it all." and "I know you love me and i know you want to be in this relationship but i just question your partisapation" (mind you his big gripes of tonight was that i didn't call people enough and i complained when i had to do dishes... and that i didn't drive and haven't been painting... all of which {sept for the last} i have not changed on sence we began dateing)
I realized the only one that should be disapointed in me is myself. I don't let people talk to me like he did tonight and i'm not going to live my life feeling like a disobiediante child. I kept wanting to say 'you want to see me do something watch me leave'. But this was all while trapped in a car miles away from anything so all i could do is sit there and take it... and cry. This isn't who i am I'm stronger then this and i hate this person this shell of who i am. I'm giveing myself a bit over a month to work things out. If It doesn't shape up i'm not comeing back here. I figure once the house sells i'll ask for a small portion of the sale (cause i did most of the work) and that will set me up with an appartment some whhere and a month to find a job. If it doesn't sell automaticly i'll find friends to stay with or a youth hostil till i can afford a place. Right now i don't have a penny to my name so i need to consentrate on hording some change and paying off my credit cards.
Things have calmed down for the moment so i dont know if i woud leave this minute. But i don't know if i would stay. I love the man to death. But as someone said to me just the other day you can love someone and still not be able to have a life with them. I feel like a wild animal backed in to the corner. But in all honesty there is no one that can help me but myself.
Heres the really scary thing. I cried from Sac. to the lake a two hour drive I cried for the hour we were home and my heart was broken. As i write this my face is dry and my heart is acheing... but me heads clear. It scares me cause this is how i am when my mind is made up. I didn't want it to come down to my relationship being given a month to work its self out or die. Bt i suppose thats life.
E. doesn't know any of this plan.. he's a great kiss ass and i don' want him to change my mind only for things to go back to normal. I need to make this choice and then i need to stick to it.
I do prey for strength and conviction. And for this clear head to last longer then a few hours.
Next 2 weeks- I'll play along with E. and put effort in to being his perfect little wife that he wants. I'll try to be content and happy here.
Time in rochester (three weeks)- I'll fix up the house and consentrate and figureing out where who and how i want to be. I'll talk to E. and maybe distance will make the heart grow fonder and let wonds heal. .
Then i'll take stock. If things are like they are today i may not come back to the lake. I don't know where i'll go But i don't think i'll be able to come back and pretend everything is hunky dorry.
Today was just.... bad. I spent most of the day feeling like a disapointment to everyone in my life. Mainly it was over stupid things that kept building up to larger issues.
On the way back from temple we got in a HUGE fight. As i'm sitting there listening to him say things like "i've supported your through everything and i just want you to do 'something'. and "i want a confermation that you want to be partners in this and not have me just carey you through it all." and "I know you love me and i know you want to be in this relationship but i just question your partisapation" (mind you his big gripes of tonight was that i didn't call people enough and i complained when i had to do dishes... and that i didn't drive and haven't been painting... all of which {sept for the last} i have not changed on sence we began dateing)
I realized the only one that should be disapointed in me is myself. I don't let people talk to me like he did tonight and i'm not going to live my life feeling like a disobiediante child. I kept wanting to say 'you want to see me do something watch me leave'. But this was all while trapped in a car miles away from anything so all i could do is sit there and take it... and cry. This isn't who i am I'm stronger then this and i hate this person this shell of who i am. I'm giveing myself a bit over a month to work things out. If It doesn't shape up i'm not comeing back here. I figure once the house sells i'll ask for a small portion of the sale (cause i did most of the work) and that will set me up with an appartment some whhere and a month to find a job. If it doesn't sell automaticly i'll find friends to stay with or a youth hostil till i can afford a place. Right now i don't have a penny to my name so i need to consentrate on hording some change and paying off my credit cards.
Things have calmed down for the moment so i dont know if i woud leave this minute. But i don't know if i would stay. I love the man to death. But as someone said to me just the other day you can love someone and still not be able to have a life with them. I feel like a wild animal backed in to the corner. But in all honesty there is no one that can help me but myself.
Heres the really scary thing. I cried from Sac. to the lake a two hour drive I cried for the hour we were home and my heart was broken. As i write this my face is dry and my heart is acheing... but me heads clear. It scares me cause this is how i am when my mind is made up. I didn't want it to come down to my relationship being given a month to work its self out or die. Bt i suppose thats life.
E. doesn't know any of this plan.. he's a great kiss ass and i don' want him to change my mind only for things to go back to normal. I need to make this choice and then i need to stick to it.
I do prey for strength and conviction. And for this clear head to last longer then a few hours.
pikahyper:
**hug hug**