Ok so this is like my tired blog of the day sorry some time it just takes time for me to figure out what going on.
I realized something tonight. Its not that I want out of my relationship with E. It's that I want it to go back to what it was in its glory day. I feel like we're just roommates living two separate lives under one roof. Or rather he leads his life and I cleanup after both of ours. Am I the maid? We used to talk about everything. When we first met we would walk around campus discussing conspiracy theories and politics. We would debate and talk for hours about nothing at all and about everything. I had this old deep loveseat that I had in my dorm. He would sit with his back up against the arm and I would sit between his legs and lay my head on his chest. We would watch TV or movies and he would wrap his arms around me. I thought he would never let me go. Never let me be far from him. I thought I was safe. When I got bad critiques or just overly stressed we would walk down the quarter mile and scream obscenities to the brick cold buildings our cries echoing down the path. And then he would tickle me or poke me and we'd break in to a fit of laughter. When we were together we were both there, our attention was completely on the other person. I don't know whether it happened over night or just slowly faded but that not what we are anymore. We used to hold hands. When we had bad days we went to each other for comfort. Now.. Now is different. Now he thinks if we're in the same room we're spending time together. But really his nose is so far buried in to his computer he doesn't hear me say his name. When does comfortable silence turn in to just not having anything to say? I complain about the sex a lot on here but really its something else that we've lost that I'm morning over.
We both had bad days today his was long and tiring and mine... Well I just woke up sad and not feeling well. I called him partially through the day hoping he would cheer me up- but he was so short and grouchy it did quite the opposite. I thought I would make dinner ready for him when he got home, in hopes that he would be happy about it. He go home I fixed him a plate. He told me how tiring his day was and asked about mine. I told him it wasn't so hot. "I've just been sad and sick all day" He nodded and then went to sign on to WOW. I joined him in the office expecting to talk more But we didn't. After two hours I left to take a nap. He walked by me twice on his way to the bathroom and didn't notice me. He hadn't even noticed I was gone. When he finally started looking for me it wasn't to see if I was ok or where I had gone It was to tell me about something he got to do in WOW. So I woke up and went back to the office, he got me a drink and went back to playing. 3 hours later (1am) I remind him he has to be up early tomorrow and "I thought you were tired". "Yeah But But"~pointing at the screen~. Meanwhile where am I-making him lunch for the next day. Eventually he came out to say good night and say he was "sorry for playing all night." I wanted to say 'but you play like this every night' "you don't have to cook for me" again I was quiet but I wanted to say 'it's almost done a little late don't you think? Besides do you think I'm mad cause I had to cook for you? No its because I'm so fucking lonely and I watch you play games for 6 hours a night while I'm alone' He thinks a hug and a kiss on the cheek will make it all better. But it just doesn't anymore.
Is this how love is? Is this what happens? I've never been with some one this long and I don't know. I don't know any marriages that have lasted I don't know what it takes or if I'm doing it right Is love just a slow silence? Is this just what happens or is this bad? Do I just need to grow up and be an adult and settle? Is that what being an adult means-settling on compromises no one is really happy with? I don't want to live the rest of my life being this lonely- Sitting in a room night after night with nothing to say. I should not talk more to online friends then I do to the man I live with.
I don't know how to fix this, I don't even know if I'm just over reacting.
I just don't understand.
All i want to do is get off ... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr
I realized something tonight. Its not that I want out of my relationship with E. It's that I want it to go back to what it was in its glory day. I feel like we're just roommates living two separate lives under one roof. Or rather he leads his life and I cleanup after both of ours. Am I the maid? We used to talk about everything. When we first met we would walk around campus discussing conspiracy theories and politics. We would debate and talk for hours about nothing at all and about everything. I had this old deep loveseat that I had in my dorm. He would sit with his back up against the arm and I would sit between his legs and lay my head on his chest. We would watch TV or movies and he would wrap his arms around me. I thought he would never let me go. Never let me be far from him. I thought I was safe. When I got bad critiques or just overly stressed we would walk down the quarter mile and scream obscenities to the brick cold buildings our cries echoing down the path. And then he would tickle me or poke me and we'd break in to a fit of laughter. When we were together we were both there, our attention was completely on the other person. I don't know whether it happened over night or just slowly faded but that not what we are anymore. We used to hold hands. When we had bad days we went to each other for comfort. Now.. Now is different. Now he thinks if we're in the same room we're spending time together. But really his nose is so far buried in to his computer he doesn't hear me say his name. When does comfortable silence turn in to just not having anything to say? I complain about the sex a lot on here but really its something else that we've lost that I'm morning over.
We both had bad days today his was long and tiring and mine... Well I just woke up sad and not feeling well. I called him partially through the day hoping he would cheer me up- but he was so short and grouchy it did quite the opposite. I thought I would make dinner ready for him when he got home, in hopes that he would be happy about it. He go home I fixed him a plate. He told me how tiring his day was and asked about mine. I told him it wasn't so hot. "I've just been sad and sick all day" He nodded and then went to sign on to WOW. I joined him in the office expecting to talk more But we didn't. After two hours I left to take a nap. He walked by me twice on his way to the bathroom and didn't notice me. He hadn't even noticed I was gone. When he finally started looking for me it wasn't to see if I was ok or where I had gone It was to tell me about something he got to do in WOW. So I woke up and went back to the office, he got me a drink and went back to playing. 3 hours later (1am) I remind him he has to be up early tomorrow and "I thought you were tired". "Yeah But But"~pointing at the screen~. Meanwhile where am I-making him lunch for the next day. Eventually he came out to say good night and say he was "sorry for playing all night." I wanted to say 'but you play like this every night' "you don't have to cook for me" again I was quiet but I wanted to say 'it's almost done a little late don't you think? Besides do you think I'm mad cause I had to cook for you? No its because I'm so fucking lonely and I watch you play games for 6 hours a night while I'm alone' He thinks a hug and a kiss on the cheek will make it all better. But it just doesn't anymore.
Is this how love is? Is this what happens? I've never been with some one this long and I don't know. I don't know any marriages that have lasted I don't know what it takes or if I'm doing it right Is love just a slow silence? Is this just what happens or is this bad? Do I just need to grow up and be an adult and settle? Is that what being an adult means-settling on compromises no one is really happy with? I don't want to live the rest of my life being this lonely- Sitting in a room night after night with nothing to say. I should not talk more to online friends then I do to the man I live with.
I don't know how to fix this, I don't even know if I'm just over reacting.
I just don't understand.
All i want to do is get off ... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
joesph90:
I hope things work out....one way or another!
panthro:
have him read this very blog you just wrote. if he wasn't listening, maybe he'll read. i hope things go back close to teh way they were, and you start humping like bunnies!