amymay

Ok this may go off on a tangent I warn you. And it's long and incredibly honest. But the only way to be honest to myself some times is to be honest to some one else so here it goes.

It's a great question and one I avoided asking myself for a very very long time. I didn't have much experience when I was younger so when 18 rolled around I kind of went a bit out of control. I used to do everything I was asked to try and the attention was a high for me. It filled a whole years of being ignored by people who were supposed to love me left behind. But much like EM I found myself very empty in the mornings. Some how I ignored how wrong that was for a long time. When my 'skinny" friends would talk I would be right there with stories. I hadn't been getting any the longest but I had the best stories. It was almost like I was trying to prove to them that I was like them in terms of "feminine wilds." I didn't want to be seen as the girl who couldn't get any cause she was fat. When guys came around and sex came up my friends would set them up. "ask her about the bowling alley." They would and I would tell By the end they were hard and I loved knowing it was me not the "skinny" friends that made them that way. Those nights always seemed to end with another story to tell. As though I was giving a thank-you card by ending the evening on my back or knees. I always told myself I was the one with the power but really I don't know anymore. I know there were people that enjoyed my "talents" that thought of me as only a mouth (They never would fuck me or resipricate) I know I gave myself to people that I didn't even like let alone respect. Was I over compensating for my weight to some degree but I was also over compensating for feeling like I was nothing. Trying to prove I was something if only a receptacle. Right before I went to college a friend told me I had to stop. I was furious at first but then I realized by that time I had been whoreing myself out, not for money but other things, a diner, a ride, a "your amazing," "your beautiful." I took a year off from sex. And trust me no sex your freshman year of college is a bitch. But I wanted to learn to value myself for other reasons then my pussy in an environment that was different from what I had been in. Did it work I don't know. I look at myself differently now. I see myself as intelligent and honest and creative before I look at myself as sexy and "talented". I met E. the first day of school. We were friends (we did kiss) for the first year before we got together. He was the first man that liked me with out spreading my legs. When we finally got together I think we made love. It was like my first time being with some one intimately. I don't mean sex I mean intimacy. Ok this next part can be found in my blog it's a bit to personal otherwise.


We had that for about a month Intimacy. Then I got pregnant. I had done a lot of stupid shit with out protection before and never once had a scare. Never once got an std. (Tested OFTEN) And the first fucking time with the man I loved second year or college my whole future ahead of me and I get pregnant. Long agonizing story later I had an abortion. I know I made the right choice for me and for the child that could have been. But I think it put the nail in my coffin as far as self worth is concerned. Since that day sex in general has been lost for me.

For a reason I've been using sex as a way to please E. But I haven't done it for myself for about 4 years in January. Its been a way to prove to him I love him and fulfill his needs, but past that, I don't do it for me any more.

I think making that choice seriously broke me. I think it's why I stay with E. Punishment, repentance, hopes of making a mends with karma. I think it's why I want sex to be painful and uncaring I think its why I want attention but don't honestly believe I deserve anything. After all the fucked up things that have happened in my life that I couldn't control the one that kills me inside is the one choice I made.

I think everyone should sit down and take an honest look at why they are the way they are. Is it because it feels right or because it doesn't feel as empty? Is it you or how you feel comfortable being seen? Is it because "they" told you not to, or because you want to? I've tried to fill voids most of my life and I'm probably on this site trying to fill one right now. But at least if you know why you are doing it you can try to fix the real problems.

I think I'm here trying to find that peace of me I lost. I think I'm running away from E. because I don't want to be the one that made that choice. I want to be someone else for a while.