Ok so here is the deal i need to vent so i write... this means most of my blogs are sappy or sad or hell- Depresing. but in order to not worry anyone i'm going to try to write first my rant and then another blog about everything else.
Some times i wonder why i even bother.
I broke down last night. I was mopping the floor and E was avoding the dishes i had asked him to do. I've done them all for a month i just wanted him to finish what were there cause i wanted to move out of the kitchen. So we were talking about thanksgiving and i said
Me- So you never did something i asked you to do a while back and i was just wondering why.
E- whats that
Me- you never invited your sister to come. I mean your mom really wanted her here and they got the ticket for her... I just wanted you to talk to her about it... did you call her at all?
E- Your right i didn't ( in that why the hell did you bring it up tone The one that makes me feel like i'm talking to my father.)
Me- You still could there's still time
E -NO
Me- were you ever intending on calling her?
E- I said i would consider calling her i never said i would
Me- But
E- You know theres something you didn't do for me either
Me- what
E- you never called the rabbi this week
Me- I'm sorry your right it slipped my mind
E- yeah well its been slipping your mind for weeks
Me- I'm sorry i just.. i'm sorry what do you want me to say i don't really know how to do this (ask to convert)
E- I want you to say that you really want to do this
Me-....
E- Or that you don't want to do this. (all of this in the acusing guilting i'm disapointed in you voice, The one that makes me feel less then a person. I've talked to him about it before. How he takes on this tone and it makes me feel worthless that it guilts me in to anything he wants and i feel manipulated. He doesn't even know he's doing it and the times he does know he just keeps on with it...)
More words are exchanged and i'm crying sobbing so i go out to the porch to write what i'm feeling cause my stomach will learch if i open my mouth and i can hardly gasp for air let alone make words with my shakeing.
So i write a letter saying how i feel broken in a million pieces and i don't knokw whats going on with me but i'm hurting more then i have in a long time and i feel like i'm disapointing him at every turn and how i want to be jewish but i'm starting to resent the rush and the preasure.
So he reads the letter and he does the best to comfort me saying he loves me and he doesn't mean to make me feel small and he doesn't mean to guilt me and that i'm wrong about the preasure and how i'm not a disapoint ment. I finally start to calm down and the night goes on ... But nothing really changed he kept picking on me and mocking me and telling me i was wrong on everything. It was like i couldn't do a thing right.
So today i woke up and i was going to be the best person i could be today. I was going to be the old amy.. the one i miss so much. I took my shower I got dressed I called my mom for recipies And the entire time he's playing That danm game.
After the his shower he asks to look at the grocery list for thanksgiving mocking its size. I had him the list and start to walk in to the other room when he says
E Oysters? in a loud discusted voice
E- No we're not getting fucking oysters
Me- hunny calm down they''re for my step dad
E- No its one thing when we are at there table but not at mine. Not in my house.
Me- What?
E- thats like me serving pork its not going to happen
Me- but hunny i eat ham and pepporonie all the time.. and you buy that.. whats the big deal i don't understand.
E- (at this point he's yelling) No fucking way I'm not going to buy them. Are you ready
Me- yeah..
this argument continues in the same manner for about an hour. Now E is kosher and because of that i have learned to cook in kosher style. What does this mean you ask.. it means no milk not even dairy butter can be added to a meal that has meet in it. So thursdays mashed potates, the squash, The dips, the meal its self can't be served with milk or cheese. It also means no pork so no ham, and No shellfish.. which is one thing my family loves and traditionally treats ourselves to ever thanksgiving. My step father loves Oysters but my mom doesn't let him eat them very offten. While we were on the phone the three of us had joked about it. I had oysters on the list to look at them. I wasn't going to serve them at the table i was going to give him the oysters on friday as a joke. But E didn''t understand this because he just flew off the handel. The night before i had been in tears telling him how much of a failure i felt like and today it was like the entire conversation didn't happen.
So we're in the car and we're hardly talking to eachother and he desides to tell me that my parents are going to half to come up in his parents car from the airport cause he's going to be to tierd.
My parents and his are flying in from NY. His parents are from Long island mine are from the sticks. Ever see the show Dharma and greg... yeah thats me and E. and thats our parents. My parents still smoke and my step dad hasn't been on a airplane sence he was 20. He's terifide and will be on serious withdrawl after their 8 hour flight. It will also be midnight here when they land and 3am thier time. Its the worst possable time for the four of them to be stuck in a car together. E had told me that we could drive down to pick them up and his folks could fallow us back.
Now he's right in that the drive is two hours there and two hours back. He's right that we wont be getting home till 2am and he's right that he will have to work that day... But how is that different from the four hours we drive every other friday to temple and back. We don't get back till midnight on those nights and he's fine with it. The new plan has us meeting them about an hour away so we will still be up still be driving at the same time.. just not all the way. The two extra hours in the car would be earlier in the day and it would make everyone feel more confortable. ...
So we agree that the oysters are out of the question and he appalogizes for yelling. Then i continue with the trip thing. and yet another argument. I cried there in the car faseing the window so he wouldn't see me. He wouldn't budge.
Now heres the thing that gets me..
I said... hunny ... this means alot to me please i really want to pick up my folks.
Now i have only once in our 4 years together said those words to him before today and it was for something that changed our lives.
I'm not the kind of girl that begs for everything... and i normally back down on big things because if he argues he probably wants it more then me.. But I really do want this.
But he didn't budge. He'll be to tierd... What about them?
We finally just dropped it... The night went on and i played nice but.. I"m just ready to give up.. who fights over oyster? Who fights over picking parents up.. We are arguing over everything and i just want to scream ENOUGH ALLREADY I GIVE
Now here is the thing that keeps playiing over and over in my mind tonight. When we first got together he told me... I'll let you have your way 95% of the time The 5% will only be the BIG things in LIfe. He still brags about that being his philosophy to a wonderful relationship.. When did oysters become a big thing? When did two hours become tear worthy? He used to hate to see me cry but now its like he's numb to it numb to me. I don't think i'm special to him anymore. I think i'm just there to tell him where his belt is and to do his dishes. I'm so tierd of makeing consetions for him and his family i've given so much i just don't even know who i am any more. The way he talks to me the way he makes me feel. I've never let some one make me feel so small and insignifagent. Is this love? Is this what the rest of my life will be.. giving in to everything cause i don't want to argue or arguin over the grocery list cause he says i make to much food... I just.. i don't see the point anymore.
i want to run away. I just want to go. I want to be some one else for a while and not remember my past and not have the scares. I want some one to love me like my grandparents loved eachother.
Some times i wonder why i even bother.
I broke down last night. I was mopping the floor and E was avoding the dishes i had asked him to do. I've done them all for a month i just wanted him to finish what were there cause i wanted to move out of the kitchen. So we were talking about thanksgiving and i said
Me- So you never did something i asked you to do a while back and i was just wondering why.
E- whats that
Me- you never invited your sister to come. I mean your mom really wanted her here and they got the ticket for her... I just wanted you to talk to her about it... did you call her at all?
E- Your right i didn't ( in that why the hell did you bring it up tone The one that makes me feel like i'm talking to my father.)
Me- You still could there's still time
E -NO
Me- were you ever intending on calling her?
E- I said i would consider calling her i never said i would
Me- But
E- You know theres something you didn't do for me either
Me- what
E- you never called the rabbi this week
Me- I'm sorry your right it slipped my mind
E- yeah well its been slipping your mind for weeks
Me- I'm sorry i just.. i'm sorry what do you want me to say i don't really know how to do this (ask to convert)
E- I want you to say that you really want to do this
Me-....
E- Or that you don't want to do this. (all of this in the acusing guilting i'm disapointed in you voice, The one that makes me feel less then a person. I've talked to him about it before. How he takes on this tone and it makes me feel worthless that it guilts me in to anything he wants and i feel manipulated. He doesn't even know he's doing it and the times he does know he just keeps on with it...)
More words are exchanged and i'm crying sobbing so i go out to the porch to write what i'm feeling cause my stomach will learch if i open my mouth and i can hardly gasp for air let alone make words with my shakeing.
So i write a letter saying how i feel broken in a million pieces and i don't knokw whats going on with me but i'm hurting more then i have in a long time and i feel like i'm disapointing him at every turn and how i want to be jewish but i'm starting to resent the rush and the preasure.
So he reads the letter and he does the best to comfort me saying he loves me and he doesn't mean to make me feel small and he doesn't mean to guilt me and that i'm wrong about the preasure and how i'm not a disapoint ment. I finally start to calm down and the night goes on ... But nothing really changed he kept picking on me and mocking me and telling me i was wrong on everything. It was like i couldn't do a thing right.
So today i woke up and i was going to be the best person i could be today. I was going to be the old amy.. the one i miss so much. I took my shower I got dressed I called my mom for recipies And the entire time he's playing That danm game.
After the his shower he asks to look at the grocery list for thanksgiving mocking its size. I had him the list and start to walk in to the other room when he says
E Oysters? in a loud discusted voice
E- No we're not getting fucking oysters
Me- hunny calm down they''re for my step dad
E- No its one thing when we are at there table but not at mine. Not in my house.
Me- What?
E- thats like me serving pork its not going to happen
Me- but hunny i eat ham and pepporonie all the time.. and you buy that.. whats the big deal i don't understand.
E- (at this point he's yelling) No fucking way I'm not going to buy them. Are you ready
Me- yeah..
this argument continues in the same manner for about an hour. Now E is kosher and because of that i have learned to cook in kosher style. What does this mean you ask.. it means no milk not even dairy butter can be added to a meal that has meet in it. So thursdays mashed potates, the squash, The dips, the meal its self can't be served with milk or cheese. It also means no pork so no ham, and No shellfish.. which is one thing my family loves and traditionally treats ourselves to ever thanksgiving. My step father loves Oysters but my mom doesn't let him eat them very offten. While we were on the phone the three of us had joked about it. I had oysters on the list to look at them. I wasn't going to serve them at the table i was going to give him the oysters on friday as a joke. But E didn''t understand this because he just flew off the handel. The night before i had been in tears telling him how much of a failure i felt like and today it was like the entire conversation didn't happen.
So we're in the car and we're hardly talking to eachother and he desides to tell me that my parents are going to half to come up in his parents car from the airport cause he's going to be to tierd.
My parents and his are flying in from NY. His parents are from Long island mine are from the sticks. Ever see the show Dharma and greg... yeah thats me and E. and thats our parents. My parents still smoke and my step dad hasn't been on a airplane sence he was 20. He's terifide and will be on serious withdrawl after their 8 hour flight. It will also be midnight here when they land and 3am thier time. Its the worst possable time for the four of them to be stuck in a car together. E had told me that we could drive down to pick them up and his folks could fallow us back.
Now he's right in that the drive is two hours there and two hours back. He's right that we wont be getting home till 2am and he's right that he will have to work that day... But how is that different from the four hours we drive every other friday to temple and back. We don't get back till midnight on those nights and he's fine with it. The new plan has us meeting them about an hour away so we will still be up still be driving at the same time.. just not all the way. The two extra hours in the car would be earlier in the day and it would make everyone feel more confortable. ...
So we agree that the oysters are out of the question and he appalogizes for yelling. Then i continue with the trip thing. and yet another argument. I cried there in the car faseing the window so he wouldn't see me. He wouldn't budge.
Now heres the thing that gets me..
I said... hunny ... this means alot to me please i really want to pick up my folks.
Now i have only once in our 4 years together said those words to him before today and it was for something that changed our lives.
I'm not the kind of girl that begs for everything... and i normally back down on big things because if he argues he probably wants it more then me.. But I really do want this.
But he didn't budge. He'll be to tierd... What about them?
We finally just dropped it... The night went on and i played nice but.. I"m just ready to give up.. who fights over oyster? Who fights over picking parents up.. We are arguing over everything and i just want to scream ENOUGH ALLREADY I GIVE
Now here is the thing that keeps playiing over and over in my mind tonight. When we first got together he told me... I'll let you have your way 95% of the time The 5% will only be the BIG things in LIfe. He still brags about that being his philosophy to a wonderful relationship.. When did oysters become a big thing? When did two hours become tear worthy? He used to hate to see me cry but now its like he's numb to it numb to me. I don't think i'm special to him anymore. I think i'm just there to tell him where his belt is and to do his dishes. I'm so tierd of makeing consetions for him and his family i've given so much i just don't even know who i am any more. The way he talks to me the way he makes me feel. I've never let some one make me feel so small and insignifagent. Is this love? Is this what the rest of my life will be.. giving in to everything cause i don't want to argue or arguin over the grocery list cause he says i make to much food... I just.. i don't see the point anymore.
i want to run away. I just want to go. I want to be some one else for a while and not remember my past and not have the scares. I want some one to love me like my grandparents loved eachother.