amymay

So some times i just have to start writting cause I do ... Here is one of those times.. Please don't judge the quality as its just kinda ruff and random.. hell you don't even have to read it.


The summer before senior yeah was amazing, full of fun and sun and a convertible with the top down. The school year started and I was determined to make it the best year at that horrible school. I was tired of being the goody goody I had been and tired of not being who I wanted to because a lot of people thought I was some one else. Around September I met a guy online while looking at colleges. He was completely average but seemed to like me. I took the chance and met him. His name was Joe. The first time we met it didn't go so hot. My friends and I had gotten lost and ended up two hours late to his frat party. His friends were lame and I kicked a water heater dancing with Chrissie. I still ask myself why I danced at all. There was zero chemistry and I didn't think I'd hear from Joe again. About a week later we tried again- this time at the mall with friends. I got my first kiss that day I was 17. He bent me over the hood of a car kissed me so hard it hurt. I wore a blue angora sweater that shed all over him. By the end of the date he was covered by the end of the relationship I had gotten to third base. With in a week of getting my first kiss I was going down on him in movie theaters with friend's only seats away. I never thought it was love I don't even think it was like. I just didn't want to graduate with out having done anything. I don't remember why it ended probably because of distance.

My friend Jess was in a similar situation. She wanted to be kissed and wanted to be touched. Neither of us was very pretty. She was more plane then me and she had a thing for cows. I would love to say I was around her because she was a great person. In truth it was because while I was with her I wasn't the ugly one. While I was around her I wasn't the fat one. I wasn't even the smart one. Around her I felt desirable because I wasn't her. High school girls are truly evil. Jess eventually got the courage to meet a guy she had met online. The first time they met she took some one else but the second time she had me tag along. He was older 21 at the time. He had his own place and crappy job. I went with her trying to protect her from him How foolish of me. He was my height and shorter then her. His dark hair was kind of spiky and his face was clean shaven. And then I saw his eyes. They were. Perfect. We were high school girls and did as high school girls would... giggle and smiled and flirted. Listened to music and half way through NIN they disappeared in to the bedroom. There were noises I couldn't place. I was drawn to the stairs that led down stairs and to the other apartment. I could hear the women crying and a guy yelling. I could hear things being thrown and I knew she was being hit. I found myself sitting at the top of the stairs curled up in the same passion I had when I was a child. Sobbing. He found me like that in a mess on his floor. I asked if we could get out of there, tears running like rain down a window. He brushed the hair out of my face and held my cheek with a simple nod he led me out the door. We headed to the pool hall Paul's (our hang out) and Jess drove. Bush came on the radio. He took my hand from the front seat and sang me "letting the Cables sleep" all I could do was apologies for how I had acted. We met friends at the Paul's and he pulled me to the side as the others played. There in that smoke filled pit I confessed things I had never said before. There -to him a man I hardly knew- "My father beat my mother," "He was a drunk that cheated on her" "I used to listen from the top of the stairs hoping that this would be the night we would leave for good but we always went back." I told him that my English teacher was his mistress she was the one that had his affection now. I told him I was broken and that no on wanted me. I spilled out like a busted glass crystal clear and not at all whole. He didn't run. He took my head in his hands and kissed my forehead and then wrapped his arms around me. I had never felt so safe. Safe was something I couldn't afford to know, I would thirst for it. When we left he beeped my nose and gave me his contact info. We talked for two weeks before we saw each other again, this time Jess wasn't there. I thought things would be different with him if he saw me again this time for the broken person he knew me to be. But again I got a kiss on the forehead and a beep on the nose. We laughed and acted as though we had been friends for ever. He pulled me in to his room to kiss me. It wasn't my first kiss or even my second but it was the first to mean anything. Soon after we started dating. My friends didn't like it. They saw it as a betrayal to Jess, though they both told me the most they did was fool around, never kissed and she knew he wasn't in to her for more then a fling. To me he was a savior. The only person I felt at peace with.
A week after we started dating and my friends had all but disowned me I passed out for no reason. I went in to convulsions and my heart almost stopped. I had no idea why. And neither did the doctors of which there were a lot. I had been having panic attacks for a while hyperventilating in to my arms during class but the only one that knew was Matt. I was taken out of school and honestly had no idea when I would black out again. And worse I didn't know if my heart would stop for real this time. My mother chose to let Matt stay at our house a few nights a week. The only rule was we couldn't sleep in the same bed. Eventually she let me stay with him some nights as well. I was scared and empty and young. I had complete faith in him. I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me. One night I was at his house and I had an attack while talking about my father. He held me so tight and talked me through it. Held me till I stopped crying- till I fell asleep. He whispered I love you's in to my hair and kissed at my tears. On my 18th birthday I lost my virginity to him. He asked me if I was ok, if he was hurting me as I came. I thought sex would complicate things but it only brought us closer. We would make love on some nights, and on others he would fuck me. I learned how wonderful two different aspects of myself could be. Eventually he taught me how to stand on my own two feet. He built me up until he wasn't needed. And then he left me. He cheated on me with his co worker I took him back the first time but then he left me for her a month later. She was broken like I had been. I learned some people just need to be needed and I learned not to need anyone again.