amok01

i stand downtown with all the other people at midnight after the countdown reaches one, watching fireworks raining bright colors against the black sky. all around me people drunkenly kiss, embrace, smile, sing. the time seems to slow like all other midnights on december 31st as far back as i can remember. i stand feeling small in my black hooded coat, blinking at the crowds. i am weighed down by enormity, weighed down by time, the future vast and overwhelming. i stand on an invisible line seperating then and now in both directions, in an invisible circle seperating them from me in all directions and though i am surrounded by hundreds of people i feel completely alone. looking around, no one seems to feel the same. they sway together, laughing, stumbling, holding eachother up. i look for one person, just one single person, a face in the crowd to catch eyes with, connect with for just one second. i don't even know why it's so important but it is. no one notices me and i feel invisible. even my friends are lost to me. i just want to know that someone is out there, feeling something bigger too.
fuck it, next year i'll get drunker and sing and dance around like everyone else.
don't pay attention to me. i don't even know why i'm upset.