Sometimes I wish I would die in a freak accident or get hit by a car. Ever since I've been old enough to conceptualize dying in some tragic way I've fantasized about it. The odd thing is that I don't do this because I'm depressed and suicidal. It's actually quite the opposite to tell the truth. I have no fascination with pain or discomfort, I do not consider myself to have an exceptionally morbid outlook on life, and in general I'm an eternally optimistic person. In fact, I'm probably one of the happiest people you'll ever meet. The only reason I can really present as to why I have these thoughts is that I have no fear of dying, and in some ways I'm excited about it. When I say that I mean I'm excited about the actual act of death, not the process that leads up to that point. I mean honestly, I can't think of anything more exciting than crossing that threshold and, if even for one second, realizing that which up to this very point is nothing more than hypothesis. Death is as profound in some ways as turning gravity upside down or traveling the speed of light, and crossing over from living to dead is like being the first person in space. Obviously I'm trying to relate my impressions with very simple comparisons, but what I'm trying to say is that I find it exciting in the way that you are experiencing something that can never be related to you in terms of words or emotions. It's something that you can only discover through doing and so for that reason I find the whole concept to be entirely interesting. I've often wondered if I have a disconnect with this physical world out of spite, and I think I've come to the realization that I'm able to detach. I'd love to liken myself to some kind of Zen master, but that just sounds boastful and self inflating. I think I'm just able to realize the true value of certain emotions or experiences, and cut the rest of the fat away in the most unselfish way possible. This may sound cliche, but I'm often surprised that I'm not dead yet.
In no way do I write this with any kind of morbid self loathing tone, my emotions and how I perceive the world are quite separate, I simply consider this an exercise in imagination. You are allowed to think I'm weird, I've come to terms with that.
As far as the "real" day to day world goes for me, I think I'm going to put a lot less effort into endeavors that make me look like a fool. That sounds painfully obvious to begin with, but sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see because you're too busy looking for the fine details. I have no hidden agendas.
In no way do I write this with any kind of morbid self loathing tone, my emotions and how I perceive the world are quite separate, I simply consider this an exercise in imagination. You are allowed to think I'm weird, I've come to terms with that.
As far as the "real" day to day world goes for me, I think I'm going to put a lot less effort into endeavors that make me look like a fool. That sounds painfully obvious to begin with, but sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see because you're too busy looking for the fine details. I have no hidden agendas.
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The thing that was the most fascinating about watching my brother die was that he knew it was coming and basically chose the timing after a fashion. He was told he had X amount of time or he could have one more probably-futile attempt at chemo. He chose not to have to do that again. He bought the car he'd always wanted (a big deal as he was a big money-saver) and told everyone goodbye (got to see several old friends he'd lost contact with). At some point there was a decision made that would mean he'd have to have a hospice nurse or be moved to the hospital. It was clear at that point he decided that was it, it was time to go. Within about 12 hours, he did. He didn't wither, he wasn't in pain, it was like he just turned off the light and then he wasn't there anymore. There's no way he could really have explained that process to anyone, it's not something most people will ever be able to experience. I'm very glad to have been able to watch it, it was a rare and exciting thing in a very weird and difficult sort of way.
[Edited on Sep 15, 2005 9:04AM]
Like, the most recent odd occurance happened when i was driving home one night. I live in a somewhat rural area and my friend REALLY lives out the middle of no where. But anyway, Im driving home, and the train tracks run parallel to the road. I see this train just chargin down, and so i sorta start racing with it and tryin to beat it. At a point down the road, i have to cross the tracks onto another road. Then i just start thinking, yeaaaaaa! im gonna get in front of it and maybe it'll hit me!
So i pass it up, turn, just as the lights and sounds are going off, and the thingy goes down, i slam on my breaks and it just flies by me. I then start thinking, dude wtf? WTF? WWWWTTTFFFFF is wrong with me!? Why in hell was i thinking it would be cool to get hit by that train?!?! Thats so crazy. Also, i must say, as you have, this wasnt any kind of suicidal thing, or desperation or whatever. I just honestly, thought it would be neat. Yeah. Call me crazy.
[Edited on Sep 16, 2005 4:53PM]