ami

cant sleep. this may seem odd to those of you havent experienced insomnia but as a seasoned vet with this bullshit of a disorder i dont have to wait until a few days of stayign up until my body passes me out around 6 or 7 in the morning only to wake up within an hour frustrated, anxious, tired, and a little less able. all's been subdued here for several hours now despite that it's only midnight which only furthers my beliefs that this wont be an episode but rather a cycle i may be starting. typign always passes time. i thought whiel watching another enthrallign grammy's i'd better get to work on my memoirs/manifesto of a sad girl but christ that's such a work in progress. secretly i desire one of those little tape recorders liek actual authors carry aroudn from city to city in my fantasy of what living liek a writer is like. stumbling on planes, trains, adn automobiles humming to yourself this poetic dribble middle aged 'lude freaks, that one day might do something. ahh. i'm far too sensative that's for sure, my black cat jezebel still itching from the lines she cleaned back in the day is annoying adn needy and now i find myself understanding. i wonder how deceptive am i (ami) and do i really give a shit besides that you got to me first. that's so easy to say adn impossible to beleive, what i think is that for all the unpleasantness jerked off onto my stomach and cock smacked against my cheek all i really want to do is get some of the goo back on someone else. anyonelike if i'm poisoned isnt it only fair that i give a little taste to you? i've got so many thoughts all buzzing aroundand i want them purged but insecurities avail and i know they wont coem out. not here, anywhere. i really need to find an outlet, soem form of expression i dont suck at to blood let myself so i dont have weekly spells of whatever diagnosis has goen untreated. in therapy i laugh, it's too easy to talk openly with a stranger adn even easier to be justifably prudent. the fallacy of course beign that no one stays a stranger for long, it all becomes so friendly adn one can find themselves stuck. i lost track , butoh in therapy suprise i'm manic, suprise i have dominant/submissive issues that stretch a littel beyond fetishism, suprise i want to lie to everyone and get through the hard part first. suprise this did not make me tired in the least