ami

i keep waiting like something will fall from the sky and make things clear or resonable
right now i'm being given a taste of my own manic medicine. during our smoke before bed ritual he utters as solemly as someone who shouts all the time can that he is displeased in someway with something. i give it time, let him work out whatever the issue is and prepare myself for some write-ups i've neglected. then thinking back to therapy i recall that this individual has felt nothing but disinterest, indifference, and unwantonness (?) for quite a long time. so
i trudge through the fishing routine, "what's wrong", "i really want to know", "please tell me what's botherign you", "i dont mind that it's late" and on. of course being that fishign only works when at least one party holds out; this individual turns away, makes a little fuss over being asked such questions, and ends this and all related conversations for an indefinate period.
i'm asuming this is some act of retrobution. on a long drive recently i again stated that despite how irrational it may seem, and even at times that i beleive it to be, i do think i want/need another lover. and that things between us dont have the stamp of forever sealing the deal. this individual seems to be copying me in the worst ways. depressive, needy, dispondant, upset, emotionally vengeful. i always thought if i ever met my match i'd fuck their brains out and we'd live some deafeningly harmonious life together
unfortunately it's the converse that seems to hold true