Sometimes I just want to be a bitch

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And tell everybody how stupid I think they are, and to all just fuck off. But I dont.

I feel like the more I do to get ahead, the further behind I fall. No matter what it is, if I want it or love it I will lose it or fail at it. I have like 8 million things I just want to unload right now, I want to scream and kick things but I have gotten so good at keeping it all in that the best I can do is say what I have already said in this blog and cry. This is the only place I have to be negative, and that just upsets me more because I think people who only know me here would think of me a this dark and gloomy person. Everybody else in my life thinks of me s this perky ditsy person. And I am neither. I miss being me, but I dont even remember who I really am.

theniesche:
Sorry to hear you feel like this, I appreciate how frustrating it must be. It's made all the more difficult having kids as well because as parents we have to keep a whole bunch of shit locked away. I certainly don't think you come across as dark or gloomy on here, I always got the impression you were quite positive. More than anything you just come across as being totally honest about yourself, and that's a really rare and lovely thing. Also, do bear in mind that you've had a lot of really difficult stuff to deal with recently and on top of that you have your impending head-shaving which will undoubtedly be adding to your anxiety levels. Feelings like the ones you're experiencing, where it's difficult to pin down an exact cause, are usually an accumulation of different stressful elements. Individually we are able to deal with them more pragmatically but together they have a cumulative effect and can make us feel quite lost. I understand how tempting it is to try to grasp this concept of who we really are as well but do remember our personalities are mostly fluid, they change and fluctuate according to our environment so allow yourself  to have these feelings and try not to feel too bad about it. My personal point of view from reading your blog is that you are smart, honest, trusting, feisty, caring, considerate, funny, kind hearted, and above all a wonderful mother and a great person. Stay strong, or as we say here in Yorkshire: chin up, love :)
ateh:
I use this site to scream and cry too.  It's healthy to have a place to vent - at least, that's what I'm telling myself.  :)
And, you're still you, no one but you could handle the shit you're dealing with right now.  Hang in there.

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