amelinda

So i went back into the doctor, a few days ago. Its good news if you choose to look at it that way. I am not getting better, but I haven't gotten any worse either. So its not the best news, but I'm happy with it. This means that most likely I will have to have sugery in Dec to have the tumors removed. Some really dumb news, my insurance doenst want to cover my treatments any more, but they will cover my surgery if I end up getting it. Me being healed from treatments is far cheaper then my surgery, but I am too high risk of it not working out, so they dont want to end up covering both treatments and surgery. Or some stupid reason like that. My doctor is really pushing me to continue my treatments though. She thinks its still just too soon to tell if they are going to help or not. So that is going to be a nice chunk of cash from my very small savings.

I spent my day doing very little, mostly at home with my boys and working on homework. My only venture out for today was a stressful one those. I needed milk,so i went to the store to get some, and locked my keys in the car. So I bought a wire thingy to try and break into my car, and it wouldn't work, so i called a lock smith. He got me in. I loaded my kids into their car seats, and went to put my cart away while the guy was writing me up my bill, and i fucking locked my keys in the car again! with the boys in the car. What kind of twit would do that lol?! The guy just laughed and said good think im here already.

less then 2 hours ago i was happy and excited about things. For some reason I am on the verge of suicide at the moment. I swear if I didnt have my kids I would be dead right now. Why the mood change? Im not sure. Ive been having these mood swings for a while now. I dont get why they are so extreme. feels kind of good to vent about them, but that doesn't stop my tears, or my confusion. It doesnt make me want to die less, or live more. If I were to do it, I would call some one first, not some one who could get to me in time to stop me, but some one who could get to my children before they wake up and see me. I would do it in some way that left me look as though i am only asleep, just in case my children were to see me. If I took my life now, my kids wouldn't have to grow up with memories of me, and would never have to feel sad because they miss me. They could grow up understanding/believing that somebody else loves and cares for them and is their mother. my chest huts. I cant breath.