ambergarnet

well, figured it would be time to update a bit,
lets see, i almost quit my job the other day, ive neer been pushed so far, i acutlaly told my boss fuck it i quit before she makes me blow my fucking head off, and i walked away,
needless to say u cant leave in your car while she stands behind it. i mean i could but i may be in jail, considering i ahve never done jail time i wasnt ready to do it and be rocking the preg-o look in jail. haha
the personal life is not going so bad, ive been single for 4 months and i honestly am going crazy, how patethetic,
its not even because of the sex, i can get laid if i need it, its the cuddling at night, waking up next to some1 that u hold dearly, having dinner with some1, having that some1 to come home to and ask how their day was, knowing they cared,
giving back massages, AND GETTING THEM,
kissing touching just knwoing some1 is there because they WANT TO BE. this is something i have not felt ina very long time,
my last realtionship i felt it for about 6 months, then i knew it wasnt the same,. i fought for it but it wasnt freely given,
i miss that feeling that i had, that cheesy feeling where u feel like you are on a floatation device, the sparkle in the eye,

LOVE!!! then it goes away, and you cant get it back
i have always been extremly vulnerable to love,
i find myself sitting back and waiting , yet i believe there is this fairytale romance , some1 to sweep me away, put me on a pedestal and treat me like a princess,
ive been told i need to wake up, it will never happen,
haha my friend kelli always says if i allow them to sweep me off my feet it only allows them to be able to drop me on my head.
seems to be the way it has always been
i try to think i am a very strong women, yet as soon as the thought of eternal happiness crosses my mind i put everything into it and loss it as fast,
i hurt myself by "laying all cards on the table'" no skeletons in the closet"
i hate that i m so real,
i hate that i know what i want and refuse to settle
i feel i will be alone forever because i can not get a man that can give me what i want/ need and respect me as a lady,

i just cant settle, maybe my expectations are to high.
what is love?
what is respect?
what are these morals i live?
do i even know
hmmmm.
all i know right now is i want so badly to have some1 to spend my life with
to hold and love and share every dream i have with
i know that i have a child on the way that everyone ays will complete me.
i know that this child will be loved and cherished! i will be a fantastic mother,.
i will do anyhting in my power to mae my child know how very important they are to me,
dont get me wrong. i know this,.
i just want the whole package,.
when is it my turn
i believe in karma....
maybe that is my issue
ugh....
the waiting line cant be this long can it?????????????????????????