I really don’t know who I am or what I am. What I do know is that I do have a lot of fantasies and fetishes…and I do mean A Lot!! However, saying that I am a TOP or bottom, DOM or sub, Master or slave…well, I just don’t know the answer to those questions which is one of the reasons WHY I have a hard time going to events or even meeting people. Last time I went to a much, people seemed concerned about what I was more than what I liked. I felt I had to think fast and shoot from the hip. Sure, I mean I do enjoy being a bottom, sub, or slave…but I don’t know it that truly defines me. I know that I am a pervert, a kinkster, and a fetishist. Sometimes I want to be a slave or submissive or even the bottom. Other times, I want to be Daddy. Am I evolving or just always perpetually shape-shifting? I can be both TOP and bottom equally, but I think I prefer a 60/40 split… 60% submissive/bottom/slave and 40% TOP/DADDY/DOM.
I really want to go to events again, munches again, but as of late…I’ve developed such a insane case of anxiety due to my age, my body, and my lack of identity…that I panic before I ever get inside. I know that is I and only I that can fight that battle, but it would sure be nice to find a wingman or wing-woman to go with to munches and stuff. Finding a friend with mutual tastes and interests would be great. The likelihood of that happening without ‘getting out there’ however, I know, is not to high.
Perhaps, I just need to give up my fetishes…I don’t want to. I love them. I have had them since adolescence. They are a part of who I am, now. Would be like giving up an arm or leg, sure I could survive but I would never be whole without them.
Perhaps I need to forget about the lifestyle or community, though I don’t know if I can. I have longed to be a part of this community for too long now. I want to meet people, I want to explore my fantasies and fetishes, and I have this strong itching feeling inside telling me that the someone special I am constantly dreaming about is going to find me inside this community. Not right away, not over night, but she is out there, probably on the opposite side of the spectrum as I am, looking for a guy specifically like me and wondering when the hell he is going to just get out of the fucking car, shake it off, and go inside so she can pounce and help make all our dreams and fantasies reality. May she will be the one who will help me answer Who I am and What I am…