Sometimes, I find myself caught in an internal riptide. I never had a daughter, but always wanted one. Now, that desire was never, ever sexual or perverted by any means from a father's perspective. The closest I have to a daughter is my oldest son's sister who had a different biological dad to stepped out when she was young. Her and I are close, but she has her own foster family now.
Recently, I have been experiencing a big desire to play out a Daddy/daughter fantasy with you young nubile 18/19 year old. I feel guilty because of this fantasy because in real settings, I would NEVER cross that line. When I think about it, it make me sick and ill and I lose all sexual desires for weeks. But, in the fantasy I am dating a younger girl who simply is calls me Daddy but is in no way related to me. Sex really isn't the outcome, more of playful flirting, admiring, and loving.
The riptide I am caught in: am I a normal pervert who simply like younger girls, or am something worse? Should I feel guilty for wanting a girlfriend to call me Daddy? Here is the kicker. I have seen a lot of cute, youthful looking angels here on SG. But the more youthful looking they are, the more breathtaking they may be, I begin to have a hard time letting my self even fantasize about having sex with them. I would simply just want to admire them, hold them, adore them, guide them, and protect them.
Recently, I have fallen into a terrible self loathing state where I am turned off by the thought of me ever having sex with anyone. I don't feel sexy and I don't see how anyone could ever be sexually attracted to me. I'm a nice guy, enjoy making people laugh, am very giving and trust worthy, and I have never harmed a soul. Still, I look in the mirror and no matter how handsome I may be, I don't feel sexy. Part of that I think comes from all the times I lost a girlfriend or my wife because they all cheated with someone else while I was home waiting for them (or taking care of our kids). I began to see myself as more of a tool or object than a person, and after my last girl made me watch as she hit on another man and took him home as I slept on the couch, that was when I knew I was not sexy anymore.
Maybe I want to be a Daddy because I know I may never be able to have sex again, but I know I will always admire and adore youth and innocence and I would never want to taint to exploit it.
I don't know why I chose to write this here. Maybe because I am to afraid to admit all this to anyone who has known me. I don't want to pitied. I guess I'm just wanted to express what I have been feeling for the last year, why I go on so many first dates but fail to call her back. I'm scared. I'm scared she will find me boring and not sexy enough and hurt me like all the rest. I'm afraid to trust. But why do I think someone younger will be any less cruel?
I'm turning 40 next June, and that terrifies me. Already, I feel like I'm damaged goods. Pretty soon, what is damaged won't even be considered "goods" any more. I keep looking for a friend and companion to love and honor for the rest of my life, but don't know how I would ever keep her interested.