altamedic

thats it, i got nothing left.

i feel like im trapped

trapped in a cement room with no windows, no lights, no room. no freedom. i feel like no matter how hard i bang, and smash, and run into the walls, it just does not matter. there is no light in this room except for the occasional beam of light. but they come and go randomly, my spirits get lifted when they are here, even just a single one but the time between them when they are gone hurts. i hurt. im tired of hurting. im tired of trying for things that i never get. i am a failure. i am failing at life, i fail at work, i fail trying to get myself back into a better position. i fail. and now im tired of failing. I think the straw that broke me was i did not get the job i applied for. i put everything into it. my heart, my soul. i worked so god damn hard, and yet. i once again failed. this is like the story of my life here. i mean i have a low paying job. i mean yes im helping lives and such, but lets face facts here. i go to the bar and people ask me "what do you do for a living?" and i tell them. im a e911 dispatcher. then they lose intrest. and im once again forgotten. i failed at getting the job, and i have been failing in my social life. i took a chance and came out of my "shell" and it hurts. hurts too much. time to go back into my shell and just ....... exist. its safer that way.

i am going to let this subscription run out. i am no longer going to be here, or on msn, or facebook. its time i face reality and its ugly. its time to go back into my shell where i was safe, alone yes, but safe and content. im tired of being depressed, im tired of being hurt, i have met wonderful people here. you are my beams of light inside my prison. but its not enough...not anymore....i wish everyone a wonderful life, and may you all be blessed and find what you need, and long for. there is not really anything to say but thank you all... take care...maybe we will see you on the other side....

AlbertaTeddyBear