altamedic

i figured it out. im depressed. it really has nothing to do that my birthday was on the weekend and it sucked. i dont really celebrate it anyways but it would have been kinda nice if my boss or someone around here ((outside SG)) would have said happy bday. oh well. i can see why depression is such a downer and cause for concern. i have had alot of bad thoughts the last few days. things such as suicide, death, destruction. i think about hurting myself so severly that i put myself into a coma never to wake again. i find myself wanting to sleep all the time, its my escape. in my dreams i am accepted, taken care of money wise **some im filthy rich and others im comfortable money wise.** i am happy and joyful. god i wish i could sleep again and sleep forever.
with this depression i am finding myself not really wanting or caring of life and what is going on around me. in all senses i have given up. i feel that im being screwed around at work. i feel that my friendships in real life here are nothing more than me being used to further others agenda's. the only real light i have in my life right now is the wonderful people i have met here in SG. the only thing is and i hope i dont sound like a ass when i say this but , its only the net. these wonderful people i have met here, i cannot touch them, or see them face to face, go for coffee, laugh, or just socialize totally with them. but they are still a bright light in my life. the only real light left
the thought of suicide to me is upsetting. adn though it is upseting to me, i find myself in this mood thinking more and more of it.

why am i such a pushover? i let these companies i work for push me around and treat me litterally like shit and i let them. i can not seem to be able to get up and stop them from it. im like that in my little social life too. i keep everything bottled up till one day i blow. and when i do i usually wind up blowing up at the wrong people. the people who actually care about me **or i think so at least** and i wind up pushing them away.

i have been thinking about just running away again. leaving everything i own and have and just walking out the door one day, down to the bus depot get a ticket for as far as i can go and just leave. when i get there, live on the streets and have no responsiblities other than food and a safe place to sleep for the night. no pressures of acting properly, or am i going to work tommorrow or anything like that. the only thing i think that is stopping me right now is that im a diabetic and i need my meds or ill die. i have to be honest here, i am pretty damn close to doing it and screwing the meds and living free. its just a thought.

its just a dream


god life can suck some times