altamedic

dang, its 614 am here and i have been up now for lets see.........49 hours now. i just cant sleep. you know how when your mind starts to go thru alot of stuff and it just refuses to let you get to sleep? well thats the way this marathon of staying awake started. i dont know i worry so much about everything i guess my mind just wants to try to sort everything out before it will rest. do you all worry about everything? i mean things like bills, rent, food, your looks, how people preceve you. how your suppose to act for apperances? oh do you act the way you want and damn everybody and thier opinions? i guess the biggest thing im worried about is work. i hate where i am totally right now but its a paycheck to help pay the rent ((and not much left for anything else!)). i guess what it boils down to is im scared to be back on the streets again. i was there for 2 years before. living city to city and hitchhiking in between. honestly it was not too bad 2 years once i figured out a few things. no bills to worry about, no one really to judge you **other than people looking down on you cause you live on the streets** the biggest worry i had living on the streets in vancouver was my first week there i was almost raped by a couple of thugs. then there was the gang that chased me for being on "thier" turf when i was looking for a place to sleep. god i remember my first winter. fuck was that cold. i was up in the Cold Lake area ((for those who are going where the fuck is that? its located about mid province on the eastern border with saskatchewan)) i broke into a few houses that were being build to sleep in. and acouple that had no renters in them. god looking back. fuck.

anyway back to my lack of sleep. it started with the mind running 100000 miles an hour but i think i finally exausted it hehehe, i layed down this morning ((after i got home from working night shift)) and fell asleep. only to wake up screaming my head off. fucking nightmare, i wish i could remember it so that i can analize it and see what im up against. My screamin scared the crap outta my brother though. he said it sounded like someone was killing me, scared him shitless...hehehe. god i love my brother. he may piss me off once in a blue moon but i love him to death! its kinda funny cause he and i when i lived at home growing up never got along. i guess we both grew up a bit......

i want to take this time to thank each and everyone of you all who read these "ramblings of the fat man" hehe. god everytime i get a comment or a email my heart skips a beat, then speeds up, then when im reading it a huge smile crosses my face and i feel my spirits lifted hugely! and i just want to thank you all.

random things:
these songs played while i sat here typing Criminal Mind - Gowan
Fighter - Christina Aguilera
Sandstorm - Darude

oh on another note my character in Everquest 2 made it to level 64!!!! yes im excited.....only 6 more levels to go and ill be maxed on him!!! ya me!!! hehehe

oh right there is a new company starting up or has started up here in this town and i applied to be there as a medic. i hope i hear from them in the next day or so. im kinda ticked that the company i applied with last week who said they would call me did not infact call me at all...grrrrr..

basement flooded a bit. thank god none of my stuff or bed down here got wet!!!! talked to my dad about it. not much we can do he said. im going to write a letter to the condo assoc about this. we need out outside landscaping fixed a bit here. everything is sloped towards the house. no wonder when the rain falls it travels TO the house!!!! sheesh **rolls his eyes** even I can figure it out!!!!!

was thinking of doing a mohawk for a hair cut till i get called back to being a medic. im at about 50 - 50 on the idea. maybe after some sleep ill figure it out

payday is this friday!! thank god i hate only having 2.00 to my freaking name!

anyway sorry for all the rambling and such. now you know whats running in this mind of mind. oh yeah and sex sex sex sex and lack of sex and wishing i was having sex, and imagining im having sex...hehe well you all get the idea!!!!


hugs to you all. ill try to have a more positive blog next time!!!
love you all

altateddybear