altamedic

i have fucking had it with this life!!!! i moved to red deer to start all over again and get a fresh start in my life. i have been here for like a month and im still in this fucking rut! yeah i know we effect our own destiny and such and that i should do something about it instead of ranting but i have!!! i have changed my lifestyle around here i go out more for walks and am smiling to people and just trying to be overall nice.
i dont know maybe im just pissed off cause i got robbed last night on the way to work. well not really robbed since all i had on me was my photo id **hidden in my sock** and my old mp3 player **which they took**. i feel so freaking fustrated. i got up this evening before heading to work and deleted about 80% of the groups i was in. i think some of this being down is that i read about others in relationships, and marriages, and well having the old fuck buddy or going out and picking up someone just for a 1 night stand and im too god damn chicken to even attempt a 1 night stand. alot has to do with being majorly picked on when i was in jr and high school. i just dont have the confidence to go up to someone in a bar and start talking. unless i use liquid courage but i dont drink anymore. i am so damn tempted to start again but thats where alot of my problems started from. i know this rant is not making much sense but im trying to get these thoughts out of my head and on the screen to sort them out you know. i think i fall inlove way to easily. or is it just lust? there are so many damn sweet, nice and beautiful ladies here who are not SG women (yet) that i get to say hi to and call a friend here, but thats just it. its here, not out in the real world.
work is sucking big time. i cant wait till i get called out to the medical field again. i am stocking shelves in a store and there are like 12 of us. we each get an lane to do. well i had 5 pallets of crap to do last night and i got them all done within my 5 hour shift. cool eh? well i look and see that no one else is done. i felt like crap last night so i decided to head home, get home and i cant sleep cause i felt guilty of leaving when the others were not done . i should have gotten there and helped clean all the others up before leaving. i was told by one of the sr people there of all the new hiries they have had in the last month im the only one with brains and acutally works! they dont want me to leave to go back to the oilfield but i need to make more than 400.00 a week!!