altamedic

this is not a good blog, im really depressed. it seems that lately all the work in the medical oilfield is for FEMALES only. I have not really worked in 2 weeks and have been told it can be another 2 weeks before work comes my way. Its fuckin bullshit. Ive been so damn depressed all day and last night *when i found out about all this*. i just cant shake this feeling. i even told my roommates to leave me alone tonight. Ive splurged on chocolate (even though im a diabetic) and honestly, ive even thought of ending it all. i have to be honest here. fuck it seems every god damn time i start to get ahead and organized in life something happens tofuck it all up. im tired. so tired of the constant fight, the constant pain im in, the constant worrying of am i going to go to work? have i offended this or that person with what i have said or done? im tired of all the worrying. im just tired. i got 5 nasty nasty nasty emails *no i wont post them here, i deleted them...after i read them of course* that did not help much with my esteem. fuck i would say the esteem is gone. maybe cin will be around and we can go out for coffee. that might cheer me up. i dont know. see ya