alphamale

Shakespear said that all the world is a stage and all the men and women mearly players.

In my long quest for self enlightenment I've been thinking lately; What's my motivation? Why do I do the things I do? Is it just because of how I was raised or what religion I believe in, or is there more to it? Have I been told how to be or is it my own consious desission?

I've always tried to do right by people. Sure, I've had my moments when I didn't care but for the most part I try and treat people the way I would like to be treated. Is that my motive; to get people to treat me a certain way? I'd be lying if I said I didn't like to be treated with respect and kindness but I'm not sure that's the main reason.

I've always been what everybody calls a "people-pleaser" and I've taken that to some serious extremes in my past. I've put my own beliefs aside to make others comfortable. I've made my own personal sacrifices and not gotten squat in return. Friends ask me why. Why do I keep trying when all I get in return is crapped on? Why indeed?

I don't even think about the 'why' until someone else brings it up. It's just instinctive to be good to people. Nobody can be nice all of the time but I certainly make an effort. The only time I really think to myself "Why?" is when I've done something mean or hurtful on purpose.

Example; The other day I got in a nasty fight with my Ex. I went to the store with my buddy to get something to drink and on our way back there was a guy on the corner asking for hand-outs. "Do you have any spare change" the guy says. I don't even acknowledge him but my buddy says 'No'. The guy asks if my buddy has an extra cigerette as my friend's opening a new pack. 'No' again. The guy says, real sarcastically "Oh sure that's not a new pack or anything." Now, normally I let this sort of thing slide without even thinking about it. The guy lives on the street and maybe he has a little bit of a right to be bitter. Well as I said I just had a nasty fight witht the Ex and I was still really pissed off. I turned to the guy and put a look on my face that was just begging him to say something in return so I'd have a reason to beat the crap out of him, and I said "Why don't you not worry about what the fuck other people are doing and sit there and shut up." I'm thankful that he didn't say anything because the mood I was in would have made it a very painful experience for him.

I feel bad for that. I feel bad for wanting to kick the living shit out of this guy but I feel worse for saying what I said to him. Is my life that bad that I need to go out and brow-beat bums to make myself feel better? No.

But what really bothers me is that the last thing I want to do is contribute more hate to this world. I've actually been watching around my neighborhood for this guy in hopes that I can offer some sort of apoligy. I don't really want forgiveness I just want him to know that I was having a bad day and I had no right to treat him that way.

I'm pretty sure that if I really had to pick my reason or my motivation, I would say that I do it out of love. Love of humanity. Love of my family. Love of my friends. Love of perfect strangers. I'd like to say that I'm not doing it to be loved, but again, I'd be lying. I can say though, with all honesty that it's not nearly as important to me to feel loved as it is for me to make other people feel loved.

I firmly beieve that if someone knows that they are truly loved and cared about that maybe they will pass that feeling on to others.

Love; Pass it on.