<warning, Gratuitous Political satire>
Well, you can stop counting, because a little known movement in each of your states has dictated that I be president forever...that's right...
Buried somewhere in a steaming pile of rhetorhic lies my victory. If you have defined marriage, then you have also defined the president as anybody by the Name of Alex Chapin living in Fort Collins, CO...If you passed an energy ammendment, you've done the same, and also given me great deals of fudning, WAY TO GO!
Last night god gave me a vision of his plans for this great nation!
First I would like to mandate gay marriage, now don't worry though, you bible thumpers will still be able to marry your cousins, just as long as they are your same sex. But I will have to take those bibles now, I'm holding a book burning in each capital, remember to bring you own magnesium flares for a free Coors Light! It seems that after his loss, Pete Coors has exhibited economically suicidal tendencies, and would like to give every man woman and child a free beer enema...
Now on to the west. Anybody caught wearing flannel, eating organic foods, or purchasing soy will be jailed and prosecution will be contemplated. Furthermore, the use of the words AIDS and EPIDEMIC in the same sentence are highly frowned upon and anybody hearing these words is encouraged to file a report immediately.
Fear not, however, for we will prevail against the foreign invaders, for no longer will we buy foreign fossil fuels and electronic devices...I am also mandating that all defecating be done in graveyards, and also all dance clubs be moved to the same location, the combination of our excretions, our dead and the great heat and pressure will provide us with fuel for hundreds of years. Furthermore, I am going to make it illegal to have sexual intercourse in anywhere but religious institutions and buildings.
Iraq is no longer a threat to us, as soon as I had absolute power, I had my secretary of defense and leader of the suburban guerilla war dogs, my extremist special military force, drop enough nukes to turn the entire middle east into a great example of what happens when you go against the will of God. Now I will be free to exploit the filthy jews...er...Gods People...as a leverage point in europe and get myself, and this great nation, tons of free shit...Because they feel like they owe us for all that blatant anti-semitism...and they do, because doing it from the shadows is so much more profitable.
I now turn the attention of the nation to the situation developing on the moon.Yes, that's right, we did kind of fool you, but through hard work, we have finally managed to land on the moon, thirty five years after we said we did...it's farther than we thought...unfortunately, the real neil armstrong is nothing but skeletal remains, and therefore you will have to settle for the prerecorded message.
<end Political Satire>
So anyway, for the proverbial reals...Is the election like Vegas? Does the House Default in a Tie?
Well, you can stop counting, because a little known movement in each of your states has dictated that I be president forever...that's right...
Buried somewhere in a steaming pile of rhetorhic lies my victory. If you have defined marriage, then you have also defined the president as anybody by the Name of Alex Chapin living in Fort Collins, CO...If you passed an energy ammendment, you've done the same, and also given me great deals of fudning, WAY TO GO!
Last night god gave me a vision of his plans for this great nation!
First I would like to mandate gay marriage, now don't worry though, you bible thumpers will still be able to marry your cousins, just as long as they are your same sex. But I will have to take those bibles now, I'm holding a book burning in each capital, remember to bring you own magnesium flares for a free Coors Light! It seems that after his loss, Pete Coors has exhibited economically suicidal tendencies, and would like to give every man woman and child a free beer enema...
Now on to the west. Anybody caught wearing flannel, eating organic foods, or purchasing soy will be jailed and prosecution will be contemplated. Furthermore, the use of the words AIDS and EPIDEMIC in the same sentence are highly frowned upon and anybody hearing these words is encouraged to file a report immediately.
Fear not, however, for we will prevail against the foreign invaders, for no longer will we buy foreign fossil fuels and electronic devices...I am also mandating that all defecating be done in graveyards, and also all dance clubs be moved to the same location, the combination of our excretions, our dead and the great heat and pressure will provide us with fuel for hundreds of years. Furthermore, I am going to make it illegal to have sexual intercourse in anywhere but religious institutions and buildings.
Iraq is no longer a threat to us, as soon as I had absolute power, I had my secretary of defense and leader of the suburban guerilla war dogs, my extremist special military force, drop enough nukes to turn the entire middle east into a great example of what happens when you go against the will of God. Now I will be free to exploit the filthy jews...er...Gods People...as a leverage point in europe and get myself, and this great nation, tons of free shit...Because they feel like they owe us for all that blatant anti-semitism...and they do, because doing it from the shadows is so much more profitable.
I now turn the attention of the nation to the situation developing on the moon.Yes, that's right, we did kind of fool you, but through hard work, we have finally managed to land on the moon, thirty five years after we said we did...it's farther than we thought...unfortunately, the real neil armstrong is nothing but skeletal remains, and therefore you will have to settle for the prerecorded message.
<end Political Satire>
So anyway, for the proverbial reals...Is the election like Vegas? Does the House Default in a Tie?