alleycake

I had like an essay typed out about how I feel tonight. Its been a bad day, I havent slept for the past 4 nights, the boy has been great about it, asking me whats wrong, being really sweet and supportive but I couldnt put my finger on it, or maybe I didnt want to. I still dunno if I have, maybe its just hormones, but the bottom line is, I feel lonely even though I know Im not. I feel isolated, like no one knows me, or maybe even, will never know me. Im sick of being trivial, uninteresting, shallow. I want to open up, be deep, do my own research, read things that arent suggested to me by people I think are smarter than me. Ive tried everything from actually isolating myself for a day, writing shit down as it comes to mind, trying to talk about it, trying to find interesting topics to bring up to make myself feel smart, to shutting it all out and watching hours of the worst shows on TV. Nothing seems to be working, I feel dismissed, like even if I did have interesting things to say, its too late for anyone to actually notice. I dont know how to be happy, I dont know what makes me happy or what to do to be happy or what the point is to anything that I do actually do. This is my 3rd copy of what I wanted to say and its still off, but its the shortest. And its not like any one actually reads this or, if they do, cares, or if they do, gets what Im actually talking about so why am I going to post it? So I can sleep? So I can have someone tell me Oh no I get it, and I care. I dont think its either of those, but I dont know the real reason either, so think what you want.