My life is so up and down. I go back to Houston, I have a blast almost everyday being out of the house constantly, but I also miss Jon and feel like it's empty fun because I'm just doing things to pass the time not because I really enjoy them. So I miss Jon and don't want to be there so I come home, I have a blast here, we make up about whatever was causing problems, he's really nice to me, we go out, we enjoy just being home together etc. only thing is we can't have sex yet for certain reasons. So yesterday sex screws stuff up as fucking usual, "we get over it" and have a decent night. Today screws it up again. In the meanwhile we've stopped going out (I know he's been sick I know blah blah blah) but people arent inviting us out, we don't have the motivation to do anything cause we're like in a fight (logic tells me there's a lot to do but so often it feels like there's absolutely nothing to do, sometimes one of us is ok with just the others company and the other isn't I hate that). Blah. I need a job but I'm not motivated enough to go look. My mom wants me to go home for like 2 weeks again and I don't want to but she see's that I sound sad and is like "you have more fun here come back" and I want to but I don't because it's easier not to. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm sad no matter what, I'm sad if we have sex/if we don't, I'm sad if I'm always going out or if I don't get to go out. I feel like we're just avoiding problems if we push them aside but I can't stand us being upset with eachother. I feel like not myself again, and I need an outlet but I don't know what to do. I don't think having some crap job is going to do it. Why can't I be myself around him sometimes? Around anyone really, except maybe my little cousins because they don't care how I am. I try to think that he is the problem and that we can together fix it somehow and sometimes he is but the real problem is me. Sometimes I really think that I'll never be satisfied with anything or anyone in my life. That's a really scary thing to feel, because I'm just gunna end up hurting everyone and nothing I do can make it better. But other times I feel like I'm satisfied too easily and should ask for more, and other times I feel like I have more than I deserve. I'm so confused, and it's so depressing.
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I'm not saying dump him, but breaking up might be part of the answer. You're vague in alot of other stuff, but it also seems you need change in your life and complacency isnt the answer, obviously. Things won't change, unless you change them. And those things you've been trying to change for a long time... they won't change over time, at least not with you two. He may meet someone else and change the way you wanted him to, and you might meet someone and change the way he wanted you to. But together its not going to happen. Don't not do something b/c your scared that it will be hard. It will be harder later.
A crappy job won't help things. You need to make some big decisions and maybe find a fun aspiring kickass job that takes you away and gives you responsibilities that gives you less time to worry about being scared or bored.
I'd love to keep talking to you about all this and my experiences and give you advice and support, but I realize I'm just typing and have no idea if any of this is worth anything. So, if anything clicks or helps I'm glad and hope all works out. That is, no matter how it works out, changes, doesn't change or whatever. Good luck. take care.
Oh, and here's a hug. {{{{}}}}