allegro

I underestimated the fear. It's more than being rationally wary of flirtation. I'm getting damned terrified. I'm better at boundaries than I've ever been, and I'm not keeping as many secrets, but the way my past games developed haunts me. I can't think about what happened with Amanda and Jimmy without feeling sick to my stomach sometime. That game ended three separate times, and each time we fell back in without any new ground rules and it felt increasingly wrong, and the emotional quotient got creepier and creepier with it. And damn it, I cared so much. It wasn't just their fault, but I've grown from then in ways that they haven't (or that they are only starting to now
Then there was old #3. The fact that I fell harder than I thought I could without wanting too was scary enough, but the way he fought to replace #1 in my thoughts got me into car accidents. Worse, the way I enjoyed every second and the fact his kisses changed the way some of my memories work skewed me morally into an older, more selfish version of me. When I wasn't her, it made me miss her. I left her behind because I can't stand hurting people the way I did.

So now I can't imagine an instance without a shock of trepidation.

In other news, I'm fighting to lose weight. Well, not lose weight really. I need to get in shape and wear my weight better. Progress started great, but is slowing so bad it's depressing. I'll keep drilling at it. After all, I need to perform outdoors in a bikini in a month. My abs need to be doing better than where they is at.

Love to you...