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allegro

NYC

Member Since 2007

Followers 347 Following 296

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Saturday Jun 21, 2008

Jun 21, 2008
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I'm still here, y'all.
I actually visit this site once a day (usually). I'm lurking like crazy. I'm commenting on Member Review sets like it's my solemn responsibility. I'm read blogs and leaving no comments. I totally suck like that.

I've hardly known what to say.

If you'd like a dull, run of the mill update, there's some cool stuff going on. My boss agreed to hire me full time on salary (even if she's hiring me as a salaried consultant, which sucks come tax time). That will kick in in late August. Then I can move out of this house. I don't intend ot be with this company for too long, but this will keep me with them for another year.

My father is going crazy. He's been a little crazy for awhile, but now I'm concerned he's passed a mild psychotic break. He told my sister he realized he is the second coming (keep in mind, my father has never been a christian, ever). At the same time, he's never mentioned it to me. His behavior has gotten more normal around me, if anything (never being totally normal, it's all relative). He has moments of total lucidity.
Meanwhile, he keeps spending my mother out of house and home. No matter what we say, he doesn't seem to understand what he's actually doing or how his actions wreck our family. He just doesn't take responsibility.

And then he thinks he's jesus.

It's a depressing house to live in.

I'm very concerned about the coming recession (and I think many economists are being way to conservative about it too). I'm already close to the bottom, but I know there's much further down could go. My job isn't all that secure, in my estimation. Regardless of the fact that I've been paying off significantly more than my minimum monthly balance on my credit card, my debt has stayed furiously consistent.

Finally I'll have a full-time job. Finally I'll be out of the house. It just seems that so much could disappear so fast. I'm starting the secure part of my life a little late. With any luck, it won't be too late.


I think my boyfriend is passively breaking another promise. Or guarantee, or what have you.
He told me in January that he would propose within six months, and that is would be a surprise.

Now he thinks I have an ichy finger because I bring it up. I talk about marriage and proposals and the like.
In truth, a big part of me wouldn't care if we NEVER got married. As long as we're living together, that's fine with me.
It's really that the promise was made.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

He moved back to NYC for me. He was living in Buffalo when we started dating. He was up there for another six months before he worked it out to get a job downstate. Before he moved he asked me to live with him.
At the time, I was performing off-of-broadway several nights a week and barely supporting myself with some babysitting. I told him I'd love to live with him, but that I couldn't support myself yet.

He said, "That's not what I asked."

He offered to support me. I could pursue a career performing and he would support me. I could have cried. I think I might have. (It's not like I want a man to support me. I want to carry my own weight. But a performing career can take awhile to cultivate and I'd need a couple of years. He was giving them to me). Despite my feminist values, I said yes.

Then there were the attempts to move him down. Twice I was supposed to drive up and move him down. The first didn't work, ok. The second time i took a week off from work. It was a day before leaving when I get the call that I can't move him then either. Apparently, he had two wedding the next weekend that he had forgotten about. (This is the sort of thing he did all the time and doesn't do anymore.) I couldn't even use the week to go visit him because he was at a friend's place near Erie and they weren't going to bring him home for a couple of days. He was calling me from a hot tub.
I cried and screamed.

A couple of months later, his best friend from NYC moved him down (the one who always gets lost). It took them four days to make a 10 hour trip.

Then he was here. I was thrilled. He started the job. He moved in with his parents intending to stay only as long as it took to save the money to get out.
Then he did his job too well. The place he was working eliminated his position. He was still at home. He spent over a year looking for a job. Like the moves, none of it was his fault. Out luck was awful.
When he gets two (lousy) jobs this past August, I hear that I need to make more in order for us to move out.
Now independently, I had come to decide that a performing career probably isn't for me. I can keep performing with the groups I'm a part of, and that will satisfy that part of me that needs to be artistically active. I looked for work in other fields. I ended up working in theater anyway, on the technical side.
Even so, that hurt a little. ( I think I should have let him know that.) Every reminder that my income wouldn't cut it, every encouragement to get another job cut a little and increased my anger. Whatever happened to the promise to support me and my dreams?
I'm stripping myself of these dreams without other ones to replace them. He just sees that as part of growing up (he gave up on several of his years ago). I find that infuriating. Growing up should not require losing your dreams. Get more responsible and realistic, sure. But those aren't the same thing.

Then he got a much better job paying twice as much as the last job. Everything is more possible, but nothing is happening yet. I still need to pull my own weight. I'm still waiting for a change, some change, any change. Life has been about stagnancy and waiting for so long.



I love hims so much.
I'm just having a blue day.

Love to you...

VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
redrobin13:
Congrats on the full time hire! I know what you mean about the not being so active on the site...i haven't been as much as i use to, i think it's the weather wink

I understand your boy issues too....if the promise wasn't made...it would never be a big thought...but if he made it...he probably means it. Miss you, wish we got to talk more like old times!
Jun 24, 2008
greaser:
That doesn't sound like an emotionally healthy place for you to live. Congrats on the job which will eventually get you out of there smile
I hope you don't give up on your dreams completely. Adjust them a bit to make them more accessible, maybe, but never give up on them kiss
Jun 26, 2008

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