Sunday May 04, 2008

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The blues hit me hard this week.

On Thursday, my children's show closed. This ended the first month of my life when I was paid entirely by performing gigs (children's shadow puppet show + cabaret gig = monies for me!). Now the cabaret show is on hiatus, and I'm back to stage managing with the children's theater company.

Why bluesy?
It's more than the fact that I'll miss my co-stars. Whether stage managing or performing with them, they were joys to work with. I may never get to work with some of them again (hey, it's theater).
It's the fact that my first month purely as a professional performer will likely be my last.

I wasn't only paid, I was highly valued.

It was an experience I had wanted for so long but had given up on ever having. I told myself I don't have the discipline or maybe even the talent, and I'm not willing to tour for my craft anymore (even if that's part of why I wanted this in the first place) and gigs in NYC don't pay (for the most part). I wasn't giving it my all, so I might as well not do it at all. Most of all, I found that doing community theater projects and working with the other companies I'm in was enough to satisfy that artistic addiction. This was it. I was giving up on the dream and getting on with life.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

As such, I looked for a job. No more babysitting for me. I wanted to keep my awesome vocal/dance company, so I officially had a Friday morning conflict. This made life difficult. I looked at retail, I looked at education, I looked at office jobs, and came up with squat. (I'm a woman with ambition and very impressive academics and very little work experience. No one wants me.)

I was offered an internship with a theater company at $5 an hour. Since i had nothing, I said sure. I'll take it till I can get something that pays me better. After less than a month, they offer me a better position (in bow office) and a little raise. I stick around. I free up my Friday mornings. A month and a half later, they ask me to stage manage for them (and give me a little more money yet). Now I have enough to get around a little bit, though $10 an hour at 25-30 hours a week doesn't qualify as a living rage around here by any stretch of the imagination.
They love me as a stage manager. They don't know how they ever got on without me.

Then they ask me to be in the next show. I would help out the intern stage manager and help out the box office person and I would be in the show.
So for two months, one for rehearsal and one for performance, I was in a show. I did shadow puppetry. I dance, I sang. I made funny faces. I connected with lots of wonderful little children. I did great.

Unfortunately, I couldn't help the new SM enough and communication fell apart a bit. They feel much better now that I'm stage managing again.

This company would love to find someway to keep me stage managing for them forever. They think I'm the best thing that ever happened to them when it comes to keeping shows running smoothly. They don't know how they ever got along without me. They may even offer me more money to stay.

So even if they loved me on-stage, I worth far more to them off-stage. And I don't think they can offer me enough to make me their full-time stage manager. They simply don't have enough hours or dollars (we'll see what I'm offered).



So I got just a taste: this unexpected month of what it is like to go into work and do what I dreamed of doing since I was prepubescent. It's getting paid ever so little for what I've been getting training in for over a decade. It's wonderful and awful.

It makes me doubt all of that I had concluded. Maybe if I restarted now it would be easier and I'd be more successful. Maybe I could DO it. This isn't really true of course, I still don't have the discipline and drive and I still hate auditions more than root canals and broccoli combined, but the doubt it back nonetheless.

I can't help it. Getting a little of this dream fulfilled highlights the fact that I have no new dream to replace it with.

I thought I was coming up with one very well. I looked up a grad program that combined my desire to be a teaching artist with the social action performance ideas I'm already interested in, but it's not financially feasible or terribly practical right now. What would be feasible and practical is the grad level teaching artist certificate program that unfortunately is offered this summer (when I can't take it) and not this fall (when I can).

So till I get myself sorted out, here's pictures of children's show Allegro. It's a little japanese porn, don't you think?



kiss

VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
ilectra:
I'm with Margot hon.. You have alot going for you.. You are also strong and I see wonderful things for you. kiss

Soooo any chance I'll get to meet you when I come to NYC on the 16th thru 18th?
greaser:
Actually, that's a possum. A mean, ill-tempered possum eeek

I guess you don't have them up there, but they're everywhere down here. They're ugly, and they hate every living thing wink

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