Sad Sack. That's me.
It doesn't help to know you're throwing yourself a pity party if that fact only makes you angry at yourself and therefore more upset.
In my favor, it just wasn't right to find out for sure I wasn't cast by hearing from my friend that she was. Than I have the obligation to put on a real happy face to show I'm honestly happy for her (which I am) while suppressing that inevitable deep well of disappointment. Very not cool.
But I realize the depth of my disappointment is completely on me. Once again, I attached too much meaning to this one little audition, this one show that I wasn't even very well suited for. I knew I was doing it, but couldn't stop it. So of course, when I don't get the role, my world falls apart around me. I think of my friend and how superior her acting skills are compared to mine and say "She deserved it more." This spirals out of control. This tiny loss ( of something I never had just confirms every doubt I have, every feeling that I can't do this (or anything else for that matter), that I really never will get better at auditioning (which I hate to do), that I should give up and seek new dreams that I still can't find, that my future looks alternately empty or dreary, and suddenly all the love in my life makes no difference.
I know it's ridiculous. So I resent myself for feeling this way every time. Now you know I'm definitely going to be crying. I really feel sorry for those closest to me who have to put up with this kind of behavior.
But that was yesterday. Today is already far less depressing.
There's always work, plus a very intense search through the house to find the invitation to my friend's wedding. Someone moved it, so now I'm a little fucked. Luckily, the wedding isn't until the first weekend in August, so I have a little time to find it. Meanwhile I NEED to find the little piece of paper concerning their gift registry.
It will be another day.
It doesn't help to know you're throwing yourself a pity party if that fact only makes you angry at yourself and therefore more upset.
In my favor, it just wasn't right to find out for sure I wasn't cast by hearing from my friend that she was. Than I have the obligation to put on a real happy face to show I'm honestly happy for her (which I am) while suppressing that inevitable deep well of disappointment. Very not cool.
But I realize the depth of my disappointment is completely on me. Once again, I attached too much meaning to this one little audition, this one show that I wasn't even very well suited for. I knew I was doing it, but couldn't stop it. So of course, when I don't get the role, my world falls apart around me. I think of my friend and how superior her acting skills are compared to mine and say "She deserved it more." This spirals out of control. This tiny loss ( of something I never had just confirms every doubt I have, every feeling that I can't do this (or anything else for that matter), that I really never will get better at auditioning (which I hate to do), that I should give up and seek new dreams that I still can't find, that my future looks alternately empty or dreary, and suddenly all the love in my life makes no difference.
I know it's ridiculous. So I resent myself for feeling this way every time. Now you know I'm definitely going to be crying. I really feel sorry for those closest to me who have to put up with this kind of behavior.
But that was yesterday. Today is already far less depressing.
There's always work, plus a very intense search through the house to find the invitation to my friend's wedding. Someone moved it, so now I'm a little fucked. Luckily, the wedding isn't until the first weekend in August, so I have a little time to find it. Meanwhile I NEED to find the little piece of paper concerning their gift registry.
It will be another day.
*hug*